charlie is asleep. and im just thinking. you know alot of girls that i graduated with are having babies, and some are even on their second one. and i want that soo bad. what sucks is that they werent planning these pregnancies, but yet it happened. it sucks cause they can barely afford these babies, and me and charlie can but yet god wont bless us with a child. we both want it soo badly. and we both know that we are ready, but yet it wont happen. its soo depressing and for a while it has taken a toll on our relationship. then for a while, we just didnt talk about it, we didnt think about it, no one asked about it. and we thought that would help, and i guess make the 'process' work, but then still nothing. and now were talking about it again, and its always on my mind. why wont god give me a baby? does he think that i dont deserve one? does he not think that im ready? if thats the case, then why do soo many people have babies that dont want them, cant afford them, dont have time, or wont even be with the father? it puzzles me. i would trade in anything for the blessing of a child. maybe after we get married then it will happen. maybe its cause i worry soo much? i dont know....it just baffles me. but we wont give up we must keep trying...and its not half bad doing the deed... soo.. i guess thats it for now....ok?

so i finally got the whole background thing figured out with some help so...now i think it looks a lot better. im not even sure anyone read this...but oh well. right now i should be putting laundry away...but im kind of dreading this chore. it sucks cause i have to do all of my laundry at one time, cause are washer and dryer arent here. so i always have an ass load of laundry to put away and it sucks majorly! everyone is doing good. the puppy is laying down finally. passions is on. what else could i ask for? *lol* i had such a great weekend. first of all friday was a blast. we went to the bar, even tho im not 21, but they have some great food. then saturday his sister & her b/f came down to visit. and we went shopping at the mall! i love shopping. sunday i went shopping again! then this weekend we are going to meet the pastor that's going to marry us! honestly right now i dont think i could get any happier! hm...what else...i thought i was pregnant, but then it turns out that im not but it will come when the time is right, hopefully the time will be right real soon. i know that its kinda crushing my fiance, but theres nothing that i can do. we were just hoping that maybe this time, but i guess not. as soon as we get married, i'll be on his insurance, then im gonna go and get checked out. hopefully everything is fine with me. i would be crushed if i wont be able to give him any babies. i'll be crushed if i wont be able to give myself babies. all i know is that i got the best man in the world. how many guys do you know will take their fiances heel's shopping? exactly not many! well i think that that's it for right now...!

I’m just sitting here. Its almost midnight, and I’m just starting to think. Its true yes I am indeed an night owl. I wonder why I do most of my thinking at night. Maybe perhaps, its cause everyone is asleep, there is nothing to be done, all that is left to do is to sit here and think. Often its my time to write, but tonight, for some reason, I cant write shit. I’m drawing blanks. I don’t know why. Usually I’m full of rhyming and shit to write about. But I don’t know why. Is my life getting boring? Or maybe I’m just going numb or something.

Anyway next subject. I was thinking tonight about what I need to do with myself, to be a better, more grown up me so I’m going to make a checklist. I figured that since I am getting married and I will be someone’s wife, I almost owe it to him, but owe it more to me. So here is my checklist:

Get my license. Going to have a baby (or at least working on it) need to at least have my license.
Figure out where I want to go career wise.
Find out what schooling is needed, where would be the best possible school.
Get at least a part time job, so I don’t completely depend on my future husband.
Lets see that’s all I can think of right now. But I’m sure there should be a lot, I mean A LOT more on the list.

So there goes my list. Lets see if I can actually get some of this shit accomplished. I have my career narrowed down to a couple of things. I just cant decide which one to go with. I just have to weigh it with having a baby and a husband. One of the things that I am considering, is working in a daycare (for my love of little kids) and then eventually open my own daycare. Or I want to be a nurse. But I’m not sure what type of nurse this. One of those nurse’s that work in the…room where all the newborns are, where they feed them, and then they teach the new parents how to feed them etc… So I think that I might call the hospital and check and see what type of nurse that is. I know that I would probably make more money being a nurse, and I know that they are always looking for nurses, but then again there are the long hours also. So I have a lot of thinking to do. But then what if I start school and then get pregnant. It would be really hard to go to school, find a sitter, and then come home, homework and watching the baby. I know that Charlie would help out as much as he could, but I wouldn’t want to put off all of the work on him. What if I do go to school, and fail? I think that’s why I waited so long to go and get my license. I’m so afraid of failure. Oh yeah, another thing that I forgot to add to my list is exercising. I want to start exercising. I know that I’m not fat, but I want to flatten my tummy, and firm up my butt! Charlie loves my body the way how it is, but I’m not too happy with it right now. So I have a lot to do. I cant believe that it’s midnight. Seriously where does time go? I don’t know anymore. Tomorrow is ‘valentines day’ and I think I might dress up for Charlie, you know spice things up. Cause the sex has been lacking ;) . But we’ve been under a lot of stress especially Charlie with work and all. So…I really haven’t brought it up, but I miss getting nookie every night. (lol) but I think I might try to lay down and go to sleep. Cause I’m tired. I just have so much running through my mind right now! So night streamers!

ok so the we took the kitty cat to the vet's office. finally. so we get there. and we have to wait there in the waiting room. so peole come in and sit down. and they ask what happened the cat. we explained what happened, how he came in the house like that. then more people came in, more...and we explained it over and over again...

after about an hour, of waiting and sitting there, being bored out of my mind then they call in the cat, by the cats name, really? like the cat is going to come walking up to the doc... "i hurt my leg doc...". so we took the cat in there, and they said that he got bit from a cat fight so we got medicine for him and then we got the bill.

as we were driving there, we kinda figured you know that since it was an emergency visit, and we had never been there before, it would be an arm and a leg. but it wasnt which was good! on eighty bucks and it was well worth it.

im just glad and thankful that the kitty is ok or that he will be ok. i dont know what i would do without him!!!! i guess that's it for now...!

when will the drama and mishappens stop? it seems as ever since me and charlie got together we were cursed... hm...or maybe someone did curse us...huh?...maybe "marie". but anywho to get back on subject here...last week our water pump stop working! yea it broke which means we had no water for i'd say about....hm...a week. then we finally get our pump fixed (the landlord finally got off his lazy ass and did something about it) and our furnice broke. which meant NO HEAT yup...so we got the furnice fixed, and the water. we finally sat around just enjoyin eachothers company. everything went fine for a couple of days. then some shit at work happened to charlie and so we had to deal with that. for a few days we were good, in good moods...the sex was great .ok...well we have a cat, named kitty kat...orginal huh? and he likes to go outside and play. last night we were soo tired, we didnt even think to make sure that he's inside. so as my boyfriend was leaving for work, the kitty kat came in and he has a hurt foot and i feel bad, like its my fault.his paw is swelled up like four times bigger and he's missing a nail i think. but he wont let anyone get near it, so who really knows? great soo...now were gonna have a freakin outrageous vet bill to go along with the rest of our really great luck thats all...i got to watch the new pup....soo...bye for now!!!