so the future hubby to be is sound asleep... dreamin of me. lol and im awake, as usual i wish i could lay down and sleep like him, but only on occasion! but i guess thats what i get for sleeping in til noon everyday.

i cant believe in just a week, 7 days to be exact i will be getting married. im kind of scared but a good scared. you know? its going to be fun. right now, its just going to be his parents, and mine. but trust me once his big brother finds out, he's going to throw a royal fit. i cant believe that he's older than my fiance, he whines about everything. like when we go and visit our family. (see we was smart we moved 2 hours away!) and if we stay at my mom's house, then he throws a freakin fit cause "we never stay with him...we never spend time with him...blah blah blah" plus on top of it, he's an acoholic, so we gotta listen to his retarded mumblings all night, when we stay there. now that i think about it...what am i gettin myself into?

but in all honesty, i have never loved anyone this much before. i dont think i ever been in love before. its soo amazing, but it scares me at the same time. growing up, i watched my mom live in an abusive relationship. and that kind of turned me away from relationships. and it seemed growing up that the closer i got to someone...the farther they drifted apart. im not really good with words, so when i do actually talk to charlie, he generally takes it the wrong way. but you know what they say, communication is the most important thing in an relationship, and we really need to work on that. i want to talk to him, i truelly do, but i just clam up. im afraid as to what he's gonna think, i dont want to scare him away, or upset him. and when something is bothering me, like really bothering me, i wont realize it til i start talking about it, and then the tears start flowing. and flowing...and flowing. really, the only person that has ever seen me cry was my mom. and that was the first time me and charlie broke up!

i remember the first time me and charlie broke up,i cried and cried. like thats how it is, i wont cry for years, like i dont know why, sometimes i feel like i need to cry, i try to cry, it makes me feel better, but i cant, and i wont. i think it's cause growing i seen my mom cry alot! so i felt that i was stronger! huh! now when i wanna...i cant. ok...so when i finally do, i cry for a week, i cant stop i try, but i cant. so...i havent cried in over a year! aint that some shit??? how many women do you know that hardly ever cry???

so...its hard to talk to charlie,i know deep down inside, that he wont judge, give the best advice possible, and make me feel better, but it seems the more i say, the more people i hurt!...and then he gets all worried! it sucks. i wish i was a really open person...but im not, just about the only one that i can talk to about anything and everything is my mom. which is kinda ironic seeing as growing up we never got along! i think thats cause i had soo much anger and resentment towards her, for letting us see her get hit, and all that horrible shit. and for going through all the shit that she let herself go through. i never understood it.

to this day i still dont. i dont see eye to eye with her new husband. they have been married for 6 years now. and when we moved in with him, it was the first time that i ever met him. and that was soo sudden. but thats a completely different time different story. soo anywho...tommorrow i'll explain the whole..."stepdad situation". but the point is she is the queen of living with shitty men and creating shitty situations for herself....for now....im goin to sleep...its almost midnight and i want to cuddle up next to my hubby!

everyone says that im soo lucky to have the life that i have. but no one knows about the life. yes, on the outside looking in, it may look pretty, but let me tell ya, its not. i dont know how many have judged my life, wished that they could have my life, now im not saying that i have the worse life, but it definately has its disadvantages. for instance, my fiance, before he got with me, he was in an relationship with someone for 6 years. and it was a sucky one. really really sucky one. they never got along, all they did was fight, and argue and bicker. he wasnt allowed to go anywhere, i mean it was horrible. and im not saying that she was just horrible. it was both of them. and after years of mental abuse from someone. it really does take a toll. im not saying that i got the most damaged goods, but im not with someone who loves himself either. im sure if im doing such a good job at explaining... i dont know if anyone know's like its like to try to love someone that doesnt love himself?!? its really hard and at times it can be draining. i mean i love my man with all my life, but this is hard work, i just dont understand how someone can treat him the way how she did. i dont get how any woman can cheat on him. this man is thoughtful, loving and caring...and i guess some people take advantage of that. i dont understand. ok getting back to my point. life isnt always as it seems. yea sure, i get whatever i want, we goof around....alot, but no one see's me listening to his heartbreaks, no one listens to all the sadness in his life, no one know's how much he use to drink, or the drugs he use to take. no one! not many people would care to even help him. no one has ever tried. no one understands him. and thats what love is...

honestly i think that one of the biggest hurdles in our relationship is the fact that he cheated on me. he to this day claims that its not cheating, cause there was no sex involved. well thats what he claims, but she claims that things did happen. but now i dont even bring it up to him, its trying to win an unwinable battle. i've come to realize that no matter what he's not going to admit as to what he's done. to this day i dont know what they talked about, the exact amount of times that this happened. i wanna know, but at the same time i dont want to know. you know what i mean? i want to let it go, i really do. but i cant. i dont know why. i watch Dr.Phil, and he said something and i think this kind of applies to me and him. 'he says that he's sorry, but he truelly dont know what he did, how bad it hurt, and what i went through and what im going through'. i think thats why i truelly havent forgiven him. i have so much anger and resentment, and i dont get how he could just boldface lie to my face. and the more i bring it up the more problems that i create. and i dont want to fight about it. i guess i just want him to understand. but he doesnt. he thinks he does. he was the one steady person in my life. growing up, my mom was in an abusive relationship, i watched her get hit, stuff get thrown through walls, dinner tables with our dinner on it get flipped. and my mom would cry she would come to me. she would cry on my shoulder, my dad was never around. he was always too busy for his kids. so who did i have no-one! i made it on my own. no one understands how rough my life was. sure people have it worse. but i went through alot of shit. more than one person should have to put up with. so when i thought that i actually found someone that i could trust, someone that i could cry on his shoulder, and he lied to me. not just once, but repeatedly. and what was i to think? after that im not sure what was true. i love him soo much, and he acted like my feelings didnt matter. i put all of my trust into him. i let him go whereever. stay out to whatever, gave him his space, cause in his prevouis relationship he had none. now i see why! but no more. and he still doesnt get why i dont trust him yet. im trying. i want to. i want things to be fine again. i dont want to hurt, i dont want to call him 2-3 times a day, while he's at work,just to make sure he's still there. i just dont know what to do. cause other than that, he's a good man, our bills are always paid, he's thoughtful, he makes sure i have whatever i need, everything he gets me is top of the line, he doesnt want me to work, he actually wants babies!! and he wants to get married, i just wonder how long will it take to get over this issue!?!?! we always have drama in our life and i just want it to stop already!!! well i guess that's it for right now :)

here lately my fiances ex has been talking to me. yes its kinda nice that we get along or whatever, but it wasnt always like this. ok...heres the story. about two years ago. october 2005, my stepdad started this new job, quickly he made friends with his new co-worker. he started coming over, hanging out, and you know, naturally we seen eachother. well we started talking, but he was taken. taken for 6 years previously by the same chick. i couldnt help that he was taken, he's soo damn sexy. so i flirted, come on i was 17 found a hott guy...then he started flirting back. mom would tell him that i liked him, and eventually we started hanging out. but he still had a g/f. we never did anything, like kiss...etc. hell i was still a virgin! i thought it was wrong. then he broke up with her. now he's 11 years older than me. some people have a problem with that...but oh well. so then we you know...started dating. after a couple of months, his ex called, the one from a 6 year relationship. said she was pregnant. we had a horrible break up. he texted me! yea didnt call, didnt come to my house....HE FUCKIN TEXTED ME! you know it still makes me mad, is that healthy??? ok...so we didnt talk for like a couple of months, one day he shows up, asks if i can take a ride with him, and if we could talk. he said he wanted to get back together with me, but he was with that same chick again. and he said that he missed me, he fucked up. of course me being a woman...flipped out. so we started "messing around" you know...hanging out or whatever. by that time, his g/f at that was talking to me, telling me that she was sorry for all the fighting...blah blah blah. and i was like yea i met someone new he's hott and loves me. little did she know that, her man was my man. she was under the impression that they were getting married. so...when he ended it this time, it was kinda a shock...a really big shock. so we moved away, like 2 hours away. she kept calling, and eventually i found out, when we would go back to visit our family, he was visiting someone else. she told me. so i told her all the times that he cheated on her, and when he lied to her, me and him broke up. i moved back home. which really sucked. then he called me, told me he missed me. i told him he could never talk to her again. so from this day on he hasnt. which is good. whenever we go and visit, he goes NO WHERE with out me. and for a while i checked his phone, but still no contact, she kept trying to call. and leave voicemails...etc. finally she gave up. then...she met someone and fell in love with someone else! so now she's forgave me again...and now she actually tries talking to me. and i just wonder if theres a hidden...agenda. like finding out about charlies life or whatever! and now...her friend...best freakin friend is talking to me...when will it stop??? so there we go....

ok, so today is such a beautiful day out! charlie got out the grill, and now were cooking out! we invited a couple of friends from his work over, and so they are outside right now...starting up the grill. today i felt really shitty today. i just dont know why?!?! there was no particular reason, i dont guess. just one of those "blah" days. other than that, charlie is in such a good mood. its kind of nice. here lately charlie has been really stressed with work and stuff like that. so today was a really big change in pace, it just kinda sucks cause i really wasnt in that good of a mood. but...i went tanning, me and charlie talked and i think im in a little better mood. at least im not as pissy! lol...hmm... we decided that its just going to be our parents there, no one else. i never thought that just going in front of a judge would be such a headache. we chose this route first cause we thought that it would be the easy way out. but i guess there is no easy was out unfortunately. his brother wants to be there...and he keeps whining about it. so were just going to do this whole ''marriage'' thing secretly! yup. and not to mention that charlies niece wants us to have kids, and his sister...i mean what the fuck people....dont you think that we are trying??? im pretty sure we want it more than anyone else. as soon as we get married, and i get put on his insurance then im going to see the 'down there' doc! just so they can say everything is a ok but knowing my luck...there will be something wrong with me i dont know...im really hungry!! i wish the food would get done already. ok...so i think im done here! i dont even think anyone reads this...if they do then theres no comments oh well...at least this is an "outlet" for my feelings!