Some days, I feel so much anger toward Charlie, and I don't know why! It seem's that I'm taking anger out on him from my past. You know releasing shit that I wish I could of or would of done in the past. I just don't understand, why him?? I've had past relationships, and never anything like this. Somedays, I can admit, I honestly treat him like shit, and apologize for it seconds later, just to do it again.

He just deals with it, he doesn't get angry with me, he's not mean back. He just deals with it. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being mean to him, I try to change, I seriously make an effort, but somehow I always find myself falling back! Later, I ask him..was I really mean to you today? Usually he says "yea.. ". Then I ask him, well why don't you say anything, and he's like "well I know with the puppy and everything, your stressed".

Maybe it is stress, maybe it's just suppressed anger, and I know he's going to take it, so I just let him have it. I don't know. I don't want to push him away, or make him feel like I hate him or anything. Cause I love him, I do. I'm just not sure, why???

You know growing up, I always wanted to see a therapist, or someone like that, but..my mom would never take me. Another "smart move" huh? yea, thought soo..who know's maybe if I seen someone, when I had asked, then I wouldn't be like this today! I don't know..if anyone has any advice Lemme know...it sure would be appreciated, and Im pretty sure Charlie would appreciate it even more!

I don't get it, I'm still really emotional, I might be getting my period or something, I don't know. But I'm never really this emotional. And the worst part is, our first cat "kitty kat", I don't remember the last day that I saw him. And that really depresses me. I can't believe that I DONT REMEMBER WHEN I LAST SAW THE FUCKIN CAT! I don't want him to be replaced, with the baby kitten, that's not what I was aiming for. But, I guess without realizing it, I was neglecting him and the special attention that he usually gets. Now, I don't know if he's ok, or what, if someone picked him up, if he got hit, a million things are running through my mind, and I don't know what to do. I hope he's okay, and he come's home safely, I pray that he does. I went outside and hollered for him, but NO SIGN OF HIM YET.

On another note, me and Charlie realized something else, earlier, that we may NEVER get time alone! Next week, were suppose to get my 2 younger brothers, so another week not alone. I just wonder if we will ever be alone. Everyone want's us to have kids, but what the fuck, how the fuck are we going to make 'em if we are never alone?!?! You know what I mean?

So, the kitty is a handful, he eats all the time, and the puppy still doesn't get it. I give up. And the niece is starting to annoy the hell outa me. And the other niece doesn't have a ride to my house, but she still manages to call me EVERY FUCKIN HOUR!

I'm tired, exhausted, but can't sleep, cause I'm worrying now! When will it stop? My house is dirty once again, after I CLEANED ALL DAY && THE NEICE SAT ON MY COMPUTER! Yea, I guess that kinda annoyed me. And she keeps looking at this soo I gotta go!

I don't know what it is, but I've been soo emotional lately. I think I need to just break down and cry or something. But that's the thing with me, I never cry. In the past two years, I've cried maybe twice, and both times was when me and charlie were having serious problems, and we were "on a break". You know? Is that sad? I thought every girl has to at least cry once a week, if not once a day! You know what I mean?

But I think I've already explained the whole crying thing. But, back to my point. I don't know if anyone watches the show "the hills" on MTV, but I'm like addicted to it!! So today was the last one for the season, and this girl named..Heidi she moved in with her b/f and he's horrible, playing her, and it was such a stupid move. Anyways, the whole thing almost made me cry, and I would of cried, if it wasn't for the fact, that my ten year old niece wasn't sitting at the other end of the couch.

It seems though that lately, anything triggers the emotion to make me cry. I don't know if it's cause I'm over-whelmed with lots of new emotions, and change, or the stress of the child, kitten, puppy. I'm not too sure. But I think I might just need some me time. But right now, it's kinda hard. Charlie is having such horrible problems at work, and trying to help him with his problems, and not wanting to give him more problems. I think I may be a bit over-whelmed!

Here lately it seems, as though were never going to get our alone time. We always have someone over, or someone on the phone. We moved away for a reason. But on the other hand, I dont want to be this ignorant asshole, and say no! You know what I mean? Cause that's how his ex was, and he never got to see his family or anything like that! And plus all of his nieces and nephews hated her, and I dont want to be like that! You know what I mean?!?!

This sucks, I'm really tired, and the little one is still awake. And I really dont want to leave her up and alone, you know what I mean? I guess I must turn on some more cartoons, so...she can drift away into sleepy land!

Ok...not too bad I don't guess, two posts in one night...see I'm making up for lost time! Hmm...gotta download some music to the hubby's MP3 soo...gotta run!

Ok, so yes..yes I know, I promised that I'd post details, and pics about my wedding. But the truth is I, well we have been soo busy! So you see, I really haven't had time. And I'm not too sure if I will be able to post any pics or anything tonight, due to the fact that I'm really really tired..still. So...hm...why have we been so busy you may ask yourself. Well..it's definately not all the love making. Thats for sure!

You see, Friday (the day we got married) my mom & her husband (my step-dad) stayed the night. Cause it's a 2 hour trip to my house. So..Saturday, we took them home. And we went to my brother-in-laws house, and his niece well, actually my niece (now) wanted to stay with us. So..therefore, we still haven't actually been alone. Great honeymoon huh? So were gonna have her all week, cause they are off (the kids) for spring break. Now I'm not saying that she isn't a great kid. Cause she is. As a matter of fact, i've never met kids as well behaved! It's all new to me, to see kids act like this! I know sure wasn't as good as her.

So, earlier today, my other niece (from a different sister) found out that she was down here. And her being the jealous one, want's to come down tommorrow. Now this one, she's a brat, annoying, and thinks she knows everything. And just loves to copy everything I do. Soo..now I gotta think of an excuse cause I don't want to start any family drama just yet... They have enough of their own drama with out me. Soo...right now, I have no time to myself! Between the nieces, the new kitty, and the playful puppy that doesn't quite understand that the kitty is too small to play with him! Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother to get up..And then I realize...ooohhh yea...for my husband!

Soo...maybe this painful week will goo bye real fast! It's amazing that I have time to actually type all of this! The niece just hopped in the bath tub...I put the puppy to sleep in his cage, and the kittyy...hmmm... maybe I should find him! He's soo tiny!!! Anywhooo...I got a kitchen to clean AGAIN ! I didn't think that it was soo much work to take care of a kid. I mean, gosh, I've never watched soo much freakin disney channel, and the house, I did nothing but clean all day long. I swear, I had at least 4 sink loads and that's just slacking for one or two days! I don't know where all the fuckin dirty dishes are coming from?!?! Me and the husband did realize one thing though.. We need to clean up our language...if we plan on having kids. I swear...man i cuss like a sailor I guess I get that from my mom!

Ok...OK...i gotta go...my puppy is whining..he's not taking the whole cage thing to lightly..and his whine is really getting annoying! um..and i still gotta find the new kitten. That we named Sylvester...SOOO...Ima go and I may post something else. Maybe...well see! k??

nighty nite bloggers!

So yes, we did indeed get married on friday. It was nice, I was soo nervous. I dont think i've ever been that nervous in my life. But it only took like 10 minutes. So it was over quick and painless. lol. I was really nervous the night before, I couldn't sleep, and then driving there and once I saw the building. OMG Yea, it was crazy nervous. I thought I was gonna cry, if it was any longer, then I bet I would of shed a tear, but we held it together. Thank gawd. Cause I never cry. Which sucks for the most part.

So now I am married, Im going to post pics soon, but I still gotta download them the camera. I just cant belive that were married. That IM married. I never thought I would find someone. In school, I was the girl that was always too picky, but always wanted a boyfriend. So now, while the girls in high school that had a boyfriend, they are single mothers, while Im married. So..I guess I win in the end!

But I think I may get off of here...cause my bed is still calling my name. Later...I will post some details. OK??

Talk to ya'll later

chubbz