I don't even know to type to about today. Last night as I layed down, I cried. I'm not sure why I cried, I just did. But it wasn't full out cried, just tear's were pouring from eye. My right eye. I laid next to my husband, listened to him peacefully sleep, and I sobbed. I was afraid of him waking up and him seeing me cry. He has never seen me cry before, and I don't think I ever want him to.

Today he called off work, last night he wasn't feeling good, and I guess he wasn't feeling much better this morning. When I woke up, he was still on the couch, sleeping, I thought he got up, and accidently fell back to sleep, so I woke him up, and he came into bed and went back to sleep. He's sleeping again right now. That's all he did all day, was lay around and sleep off and on. I can't believe it's almost four already. I don't know where my day went.

I'm so sad right now, and I don't know why. Maybe it's cause I have the thought on my mind that I may be pregnant. And how happy I would be, and how happy Charlie would be! I still haven't got my period, this Saturday, were going to go buy a pregnancy test, if I don't get my period before then. I'm scared..what if I'm not pregnant? I don't know what I'll do. This is eating me up inside, Charlie keep's rubbing my belly for good luck. Were praying that thing's actually happen now, I mean were in Love, were married...what more could god ask for to give a beautiful baby a home??? I mean come on, obviously we want it, we've been trying since July! His dad told him that the first one can come anytime, and the one's after that, is 9 months apart... LOL...

Well..I think I'm gonna get off here, and curl up next to my husband, and pray for some good news..

Til next time bloggerz...

It's raining outside, and I think I may actually be getting tired, all the animals are asleep, the husband is asleep and has been for quite a while now. He wasn't feeling very good. And I'm hoping that he didn't get sick, seeing as we are planning on moving this weekend. This house that were at now, is a piece of shit. Let me tell ya! Were moving back into our old place, which is kind of nice for a couple of reasons. 1)All our old nails are still hanging up 2) all we have to do is put everything back where it use to be 3)we still have some of our stuff there (we use to share a place with his co-workers, but they no long work with him, therefore moved back home..so now it's all our's again) 4)this place just feels like home.

Since we had planned on moving, and have absolutely no luck at all. Here's what happened. Before this house came open (our old one), we have been looking to move and buy a house. Well we called several places, most of the places, we couldn't get (cause of Charlies credit). And there was this one house, that we were like playing phone tag with. And for about a week we didn't hear anything. So..our lease is about up here, so already set it up with our landlords to move back in, yesterday. As we were planning as to what to do, we got a call from the guy that's saling his home. Well, come to find out, it's not just a house, its a house w/ a jaccuzzi, 3 stall garage with an apartment over it, plus another house! And he hasn't set a price, is will to do the whole rent-to-own thing! Yea! So this is such a great opportunity! Tommorrow after work Charlie is going to stop by the place with his dad, and see what they think, and see what to offer the guy you know what I mean??? If only he could of called days earlier! Now once again were gonna look like asshole's with the old landlords!!

So...now that I actually think about it...what's the use of unpacking once we get packed??? Exactly it would just be pointless. Hopefully we get this place...these last couple of days, have been really great and exciting (except not having any water yesterday Part) LOL...well...I'm getting really tired now, can barely keep my eyes open...so...ima get off here for the night...

til next time bloggers..
chubbz

I have had his ex on my mind for the last couple of days now. And I don't know why. Will she alway's be haunting my mind? This is what she want's I'm sure. I have her on my Yahoo e-mail list, from when me and her were "being civil". So, that mean's she is on my IM list too, yea, it's been there for a while. But I just can't find myself to delete it, I know I should, I know Charlie would be pissed if he knew she was still on there. Hell he didn't even know that we exchanged emails. Even though, she's never logged on, we never IM'ed or anything, it's just wierd. I deleted her out of everything on myspace even blocked her from contacting me. Shockingly, she hasn't deleted me out of yahoo either. I don't get it, she deleted me from Myspace, so why did she keep me on Yahoo. I don't know. I think I'm just gonna delete it, and delete her out of my life forever! Ok, so I deleted her, I don't feel anything different.

Since were on the whole "ex" subject, does everyone keep at least one thing from an ex? Charlie has a I can't think of the name of it right now, blonde moment . It's like a metal thing that you hold alcohol in, you keep it in your coat or whatever. But engraved it says, I will love you forever, Love (insert her name). I don't know if her remember's that he has it, if he does he doesn't know that I know that he has it, (I was being snoopy one day while he was at work). I never asked him about it. Cause I too, have something from my previous relationship, a Christmas present, a heart necklace. I never told him who I got it from or why, he never asked. So I just leave things how they are you know what I mean?

Speaking of ex's. My last ex, it was a wierd/complicated relationship. I was in the 11th grade, we dated all school year. I don't know why, cause I knew that I didn't love the guy. He never told me he loved me (at least not then). But I was going away for the summer, to Ohio to visit my family, and he had suggested, that we break up while I was gone. We never had sex, I was still a virgin, and he was still a virgin. But I think he wanted more, so, after he said that, NO...if we break up, then we break up for good! So that's what we did. He trashed my name..you know whatever an immature little boy does. We didn't talk for months.

So by the time that he show up again, yup he had the nerve to show up and "hangout" I was kind of involved with someone else (my current husband) at the time, we were talking, harmless flirting. Nothing serious, hell he was still with his ex. So...he would show up more and more.

One time he showed up at my girlfriends house, we were all drinking, and smoking pot. And out of no where:

HIM: Can we talk
ME: Yea sure, watcha got to say?
HIM: Alone, I mean..
ME: You can say whatever in front of my friends
HIM: Please, alone...
ME: Ok..but no kissing or touching...NOTHING LIKE THAT
HIM: Promise, paws off.. (LOL)
So we enter an empty room, sit on the bed, he turns to me-
ME: So whats on your mind?
HIM: I like you, and I'm sorry we broke up,I really fucked up, I miss you like crazy.
ME: Sooo...??
HIM: I think we should try one more time.
ME: It didn't work the first time, why did you wait soo long??
HIM: I LOVE YOU!
ME: IM SORRY!

What the fuck was I thinking? Oh yea, I wasn't you know he picked the perfect time to bring this up, you know..when I can't even walk straight, I'm chinese eyed, thinking of someone else..who by the way is at home with someone else! I was so confused but to drunk to notice. So after that he felt the need to still hang out at my house! What do I do??

Of course I didn't feel the need to tell the ex about Charlie, cause I didn't know what would become of this...but...Im a heartbreaker..I guess. I still run into him every once in a while, I feel bad about it, but I still never had the guts to confront him about it. It's helped since I moved away cause I never run into him, last thing I heard that he's really bad on drugs and has been breaking into houses. The last time I seen him, he had to come down here with his friend to help do some work for my husband's company, that's a whole different story for a different day! SO...the real world is on...so peace out...

til next time bloggers...

Chubbz

So my brother's went back this morning, and I feel like crying but I can't. It alway's suck's seeing them, and then, when they have to go back, and see their sad face's too. I have soo much anger toward's my mom for breaking my family up, me and all 3 all my brother's use to be soo close, now when I see them, it's like all I have is time to catch up. She ruined how we use to be, now were soo distant. It kind of sucks that she divided us up. But there's nothing I can do. And she always says "I wish I could have all of my kids..but what do you want me to do?". I just want to scream at her, get rid of your fuckin piece of shit so called husband and you can have a family all over again!

I just don't understand, how someone can give up their kids to be with a man! A man..a piece of shit man..why would anyone do that? Yea, sure she need's to be happy too, but there are other fish in the sea, many other better people out there, she chooses to live the hell that she lives. So I don't feel bad for her, I use to, at the begginning, but as time went on, more shit happened,and she just stayed there, then I felt less and less sorry for her. Some days, I have half the mind to wake up, drive 2 hours to my mom's house, and beat the shit out of her. Is that bad? I just want...to hit her for all the time's we had to suffer for her happiness. And it's not suppose to happen like that!

My theory is that once you have kids, then you do everything for your kids, it's not about you or your happiness. NO it's about your kids happiness!!! Fuck you, you had your chance...you chose to spread your legs, so..it's about your kids.

What make's me the maddest, that my mom use to be like this, IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HER KIDS, then..she met her "husband" and he like brainwashed her... but what can you do??

Ok, I think I may be done ranting for now...
til next time bloggers...

Chubbz

Tommorrow my brother's go home, which suck's cause I really do enjoy their company. We alway's goof around. And sometime's it angers me alot, to think that I could see them more often, if my mom wouldn't of fucked up! But she did, there's nothing I can do, to change things, they are what they are. So, I take full advantage of the time that I do have them. It's kind of pissing me off cause my mom is being greedy with them. I got them, from Sunday night to Wednesday day. Meanwhile, they came in last friday and don't go home til this Sunday, I told that maybe Thursday night would be a fair deal, but she wont budge. I think this summer they are going to want to stay with me for most of the summer, cause my mom's husband is a real asshole. Charlie already told them, that if they wanted to stay all summer, they could. I'm pretty sure that if they wanted to move in with us full time, then Charlie wouldn't mind one bit. And that's what I love about him!!

I'm shocked, right now it's really quiet in my home. Charlie is outside (cause it's such a beautiful day out) teaching the oldest of my younger brothers how to weld. And my youngest brother, is sick, so...I've been giving him medicine, and stuff like that. It sucks that he got sick today, cause I generally have LOTs and LOTs of fun with him.

*gah* I'm soo bored, and not too sure what else to type..so I think Ima bounce...peace

Til next time Bloggers
*chubbz*