I would like to say thank's for everyone's support. I'm still not to sure what to think of this, since, I am still 2 week's late on my period, and no sign of it coming. So maybe something is wrong with me? I honestly don't know. But the puppy is driving me bonkers. He just wont stop. Me and Charlie are gonna quite trying and just make love. But it's kind of hard to keep it off of your mind when 1) it's something you and your husband really wants 2) Everyone keep's asking, prying and bringing it up.

I still feel like a failure, even though I shouldn't I just do. Is this normal? I have no clue. I honestly thought that this time was going to be different. But I guess some thing's never change. I completely dreaded telling my mom, cause it just make's me feel worse, cause she get's so excited, and it's like I let her down. So, I avoided the subject, til she point blank, asked me, "what were the results?" and I told her negative, and I got off the phone. I don't really feel like talking to anyone, or typing for that matter. But afterward's I alway's feel so much better. So I drag my finger's across the keyboard.

Me and Charlie went to the mall yesterday, (before I took the test) and I bought myself some new earrings and ankle braclets. It alway's make's me feel really good, to buy just the smallest things. And yes, we got a PS2. Yea, I'm aware that many are happy that they got a PS3 well, were just now getting the PS2 so.. HA! I think I actually enjoy playing video game's more than Charlie. Seeing as growing up, with 3 brothers, if I wanted someone to play with, then I had to play boy things!!

Anywhoo..I'm gonna go, I'm feeling very shitty, and emotional, don't really feel like talking to anyone, you know just curling up under a blankie, and a cup of hot chocolate!! Which I will be doing by myself seeing as Charlie is ALREADY in the bedroom SNORING!!

Til Next Time Bloggers..
Chubbz

PS, I haven't commented on anyone, cause I just..I don't know what I feel right now..soo..keep in your prayers..

I'm sadly posting that the pregnancy test came back N-E-G-A-T-I-V-E yea, it really suck's in my house right now. I can't believe it. We thought for sure this time. I still can't figure out why my period is late though. Maybe there's something wrong with me!?! Maybe..I just don't know. So, were going to go to family planning, and get an exam or whatever, until the insurance card come's and kick's in.

I'm so scared right now, I feel like a disappointment, like I let Charlie down. I know logically..that it's not my fault, but emotionally...it's eating me up! So, not to sure what to do. It's killing me, reading Angie's blog with all the good stories, I WANT THAT, WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT??? WHY?? I don't know why.

I don't understand life or god. I don't know why can't he just give us a baby, a baby that's going to spoiled freakin rotten, a baby that's gonna have soo much love he/she's not going to do with theirself, a baby who is gonna mean the world to us. Are we bad people, are we doing something wrong?? I don't know what else to do?? Is there certain way's, anything your suppose to do afterwards?? Anything that will help???

Should we pray more, go to church, I don't know what. All these people out there, they accidently get pregnant, and when were trying it doesn't work, what the fuck is up with that?? I'm at my rope's end, I've dreaded this all day..cause somewhere inside of me I knew I just knew.. "don't get your hope's up"..blah blah blah. And this is why!! Just to think last night I was looking at baby stuff on the net! I'm not quite sure how to tell my mom, most day's it seem's as though she want's this more than us!! So..I think I'm done now. I can't believe I typed this whole thing without shedding a single tear!! Anywhoo...maybe I'll go to the doctor's and they'll say the test was wrong, but who know's?!?!

Til Next Time Bloggers..

Chubbz

Some night's I feel so lonely. Even though Charlie is in the next room, sleeping like a baby, I feel as though I'm alone! I don't know why I feel like this. I just do. I started crying again earlier, and just typing this, I can feel the tear's welling up. I don't know why. I never cry!! I'm just so anxious about tommorrow, I just can't wait to see the results. I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about it, but I just can't help it. Charlie told me earlier that he hope's that were pregnant this time. And I know he's just as anxious, worried..etc. Somehow each month when I get my period, I feel it's my fault. Cause Charlie has already went and got checked, and they said everything was a okay. And the doctor told him when you get married then the babies will come. Well were married..so where's my babies? I'm just sick of this. Everyone that we know are like well..when are you two gonna have a baby, are you pregnant yet??, blah blah blah! What can I say? Somedays, I just can't take it, and I feel like screaming, "DONT YOU THINK WERE TRYING DO YOU WANT US TO JUST HAVE SEX RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW? SHEESH IF YOU WANT A FUCKIN BABY SO BAD THEN HAVE ANOTHER". But instead I politely say, "were working on it".

I don't know what to do anymore..still no period, watch me get it right after I take the pregnancy test. Tommorrow will be either very happy or very sad. I will post more tommorrow, by the way the tears have already stopped, what a minute later?!?!

Til Next Time Bloggerz..
chubbz

I can't believe that it's friday already! The week's are really starting to fly by, which kind of suck's cause I want to treasure this time with my husband, and our pets. Tommorrow we are going to attempt to move all of our crap in one day! Yea, sound's almost impossible, but we did it the last time. Boy, was it stressful, really stressful, but we got the job done. Looking around of the house, I can't believe how much more stuff we have accumulated. And plus my mom want's to give us some more! Good god.

Today my husband and his dad, stopped by the property with the house's on it, to check it. And we thought about it, and I guess it look's like it need's some work. But then again, our old landlord's has asked us already if we wanted to buy the house that were going to be moving back into. And were not sure which to do. We want to do what's right, and if I'm pregnant, then we would like to start the process of purchasing a new home, so our child would have a steady home. I dunno..

Right now the husband is asleep, has been since..oh say about 6:00 yea! Six, his brother called for him earlier and when I told him that he was asleep, he sounded as if I was lying for my husband. Which I have done before, but this time, I was completely honest. See his brother, is an acholic, and when he get's drunk..boy is he a handful and like to talk smack, and stuff like that! Now my husband (who use to be an acholic, but no longer is, due to the fact, that I would never be married to on) he doesn't talk smack, or anything. He start's thinking, worrying..you know how it goes...before I know it, I'm awake all night listening to his worries, that he wont even remember tommorrow (trust me I know..I've asked him the next day. but he was soo dumfounded.. him=+me= LOL...

So this is pretty random, like most of my blogs, I'm actually a pretty random person..I have a question for ya'll does my picture show?? Ok..well hit me back, wit dat..

Til Next Time Bloggers...

Chubbz..

Oh yea...bTw I think I actaully got some readers, that like to read my boring life!

I think that I can finally say that I love Myself, actually meaning it. This past year, I have learned so much about myself, stuff I never thought I would discover. Charlie has opened my eyes to so many great things in life, that I never seen before. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before. Everyday, I have the man of my dreams, tell me how beautiful I am, how much I make him happy. Growing up, not having a dad who actually wanted me, and watching a mom go through an abusive relationship, and somehow out of all of that, I actually thought it was my fault. I thought that maybe, just maybe..if I would of been a boy, he would of wanted me, like how he wanted my older brother. Or if my mom would of pushed me on him more, I would of got more attention from him, like my younger sister. When I would see her and her ex (my younger's brothers dad) fight, I thought, if only I would have cleaned my room the first time I asked, or if I wouldn't fight with my brother's that they'd be ok. But..the harder I tried, the farther I fell behind. It was like I entered a competetion that I knew I wasn't gonna make it in, but...I just did, anyways!!

Growing up I always felt so deprived. Deprived of my childhood, deprived of love, a stable roof to call my home. I always felt like the "backburner child". If one of my other siblings (mainly my older brother) couldn't do something with ANYONE than they would be like...well I guess we could always take her. I wish my mom would of hugged me more, I wish I would of cried to my mom instead of my mom crying to me..I wish my dad would of called me to come and visit, instead of me calling him and leaving 3 voicemails at a time. I wish that someone anyone, would of took the time to listen to me and what I had to say. But NO. Growing up, the one person I could ever really count on was my grandparent's on my mom's side. Especially my grandma. She's the whole world to me. I can tell her anything, I go to her for advice before I go to my mom. And my grandpa, he has always believed in me, spent time with me, when no one would.

And now my grandpa is sick, well he's been sick for about 10 years. He should of died 10 years ago. But he's made it this long. He has a bad heart, and now he's been dignosed with diabetes, which is something that has been really hard for me. He can't get one scratch cause he may bleed to death. And that's some scary shit. My grandma still has to work. Cause they can't make it on SSI. I can't lose my rocks.

That's why me and Charlie click. He give's me all of the attention that I need, and want. He know's how great of a person I am, and he make's me want to be an even better person. I know deep down that none of my family never meant to abandon me emotionally the way they did, but it happened. That's why I was crying last night, I thought about my Grandpa, and it really scared me. I have never had anyone die before that I known, I've never been to a funeral, and I don't know what I'd do. Deep down I know the day will come, everyone has to die, but I also know it's going to hurt like hell, and I'm so grateful that Charlie will be there to help me through it.

Charlie too, has had alot of hurt in his life, and we are eachother's rock's. We know what it's like, even if we don't talk about it, we just know. It's like we read eachother's mind. I honestly don't know where I would be today, if it wasn't for Charlie. I have never felt this happy before, and as the day's go on, I get happier and happier. He know's the right thing's to say at all the right time's. Unlike me, I'm very shitty with my choice of words, and I usually end offending someone! But I think I'm done now, I'm not too sure if any of this made any sense, or if I even stayed on topic, it's just these last couple of days, I have had alot of stuff floating on my mind. I just don't know where to start..how to explain things...sooo...yea...ok, I'm done!

Til Next Time Bloggerz

*chubbz*