So I don't really have anything new going on in my life, I thought I would type about something that has been on my mind lately. I have this friend. She was married about 2 months before me.

But, unlike me..her and her husband are having problems. All they do is fight, argue, and she even hit's/scratches him. She has told me that he will not hit her back, since that was my first concern. Now, they have a son together. He's 6-7 months. And they fight over who's doing what to help, who each-other's friends should be, who should do what.. blah blah blah. And I alway's hear about it. It's not that I absolutely hate talking to her about it, cause if it were me, or if I do have problem's then I would want her to listen. It's just she alway's tell's me, just wait they change. You think your happy now, just now. Like she expect's just cause her marriage is failing that mine will too.

That really make's me mad, but she has so many other problems, I just don't feel like arguing over her with it. One of their problem's is the fact that she has guy friends. As far as I know, they didn't have any "guy problems" until she was raped by a "guy friend" of her's, a couple of times. And I can kinda see her husband's point and I can see her point. But first off..lemme tell you the whole "rape story"

My friend know's this guy named "steve" (we'll call him steve). They have been friend's for years. (This is what she tell's me, but I have known her since I was like 13 and at this point this is the first time I ever heard about him) Well, she also, told me he was gay. And would come over and visit..often. I use to joke around with her, and tell her..is your b/f coming over..what are you and ur b/f doing...blah blah blah. Just messing with her. Come to find out, he raped her a long time ago. But she still talked to him cause she feared her life (he's a marine or something like that, and know's how to kill ppl in many different way's). Ok, I can see maybe talking to him, but she would have him spend the night...blah blah blah. And NEVER told her husband, until recently when he raped her again!! Needless to say he was furious. I mean he spent the night with her, the night before she got married. I asked her if it happened then, she said before that. Now, me, I have never been raped, so I don't know if these action's were appropiate. But I think that if, I was her, I would make up excuse's for him to not come around, and definately not let him spend the night... *duh!*.

So now her husband trust's no men with her. But she talk's to guy's. She goes on myspace, add's random guy's and even met up with them. This past weekend, her and her husband figured that it would do them some good to take a break from eachother for the weekend. So the baby's grandpa watched him. And her husband went to stay at a friends house. Which gave her the home all to herself. So she invited a guy over friday night, and saturday, had 2 girls and 3 guys over. (this break was not to sleep with anyone, they agreed not to sleep with anyone).

I have honestly gotten to the point where I think that she want's her relationship to fail. I don't think she want's thing's to work. See I use to be the same way, before I met my husband, and got with him, I use to have alot of guy friends (seeing as they can live without drama). And it was fun, flirting with guys all the time, having fun, you know..but when we moved in together, I dropped all of my guy friends. Cause I knew they were only my friend's in hope of getting laid (before when we were friends, I didn't mind that, I didn't sleep with anyone, but it was fun, made me feel good about myself). And I had no intention of sleeping with them. And I had no desire or feel the need to have their attention.

So, I don't talk to any guy's anymore, I know that if I chose to do it, then it would just create problem's with my relationship. Problem's that didn't have to be there. Plus, I didn't want him to have any female friends, cause females are tricky..! I thought I would miss the attention, but I didn't. I'm glad that I have the attention of ONE GUY that love's me. And a guy that see's my flaw's, see's without any make up and think I'm beautiful..and I get all of his un-divided attention. But I guess that's not enough for all people.

As much as I would like to tell my friend, that I think she's the one creating the problem's and it's not all her husband, I just don't want to lose a good friend. Believe it or not, she is basically the only one that I keep in contact with, since graduation. Everyone else is soo busy with their live's or have moved on for whatever reason's. She's a good friend to me, she has a good heart, I just don't think she realize's what she's doing. I think they would argue wayyy less..if she would just let guy's go, and stop finding new one's. I think I may say something to her. Who know's it could save her marriage.

I'm just torn, I don't want to interfere, but I don't want to see her go through a divorce at the age of 19!!! So..if you got any advice I surely could use it...

PS..I am feeling much better. I tried to take another test, but it malfunctioned, sooo...we gotta get another one. Still haven't got my period yet though...so keep your finger's crossed...

Til Next Time Bloggerz

Chubbz

I really like the group Hinder. So my husband suprised me the other day, with their new CD. This one song called "Better Than Me" instantly bring's tear's to my eye's (or almost tear's as close as I can get to crying). And I don't know why!?! I hardly ever get all emotional about a song. Maybe it's just their voice's too.

Another song that really bug's me on this cd, is "Lips of An Angel", I use to love this song, but now it remind's me of when my husband was cheating on me with his ex. When he would talk to her and shit. I use to think that it was our song, dedicated to her, and then it got all flipped on me.

I don't know what it is, but I have been overly emotional lately. Like I can look at Charlie, just glance at him, and suddenly tear's can start to well up in my eyes. And I have no clue why?? Am I going crazy here people. At night when I lay down next to him, I always watch him sleep for at least two minutes (creepy huh?). But I reflect on what we have, and how happy he makes me, our life, what we were, what we could of been (bad could of been) but instead what we are, and what we will be. It give's me peacefulness, before I go to sleep. That was in the past, but now, I look at him happy, but sad. I don't know it's hard to explain. I don't know why I am sad, I wish I could figure out why. But I cry! I actually shed tears.

I don't get it, I don't talk to him about it, cause when I talk about crying and stuff like that, then I just cry more. And more..and more...before I know it, I can't stop. I just stopped myself from crying right now, as I sit here and type this, for the fear that he will come out and see me. I don't want him to worry. I just wish I could figure out what's bothering me. I can't really even sleep anymore. I stay up til like 2 or 3 and even then I have to FORCE myself to lay down and go to sleep.

I don't know what to do, who to talk to, where to go..where I belong..where these emotion's are coming from. I don't know why I'm crying now. I don't know...I just don't know, I'm falling apart piece by piece and I feel like I'm the only that can save me. I just don't know how. I thought by typing this blog..it would help, I don't know if it's helping. At this point I'm not sure what would help. I'm afraid that people I know in "real life" you know in person, are going to stumble across this, especially his ex. I thought of de-activating this blog..but I love typing on here..so I'm torn.

Ugh...I have soo much running through my mind right now..I don't even know if this make's sense at all. But I think I'm going to get off here...I need advice..help...so if you got any to offer, please let me have it cause I'm one confused girl right now

Til Next Time Bloggerz..
chubbz

I have nothing really on my mind today. But my husband is sick, he stayed home from work today, which means..I didn't get my house clean Cause appearantly my husband was abducted by aliens, instead they traded me for a baby! So..I have been tending to his sick ass all day! And all last night. I'm tired..our water isn't working again!! And he's too sick to fix it. We called the landlord..told him the problem..he said he was gonna get it fixed asap..that was two day's ago! I can't wait to move. Tommorrow we are (by we, me and his sister of whom we are playing a hundred freekin dollars to clean so why must I accompy her??) our old house. Seeing as our old roommates, left the house completely and utterly trashed! After they promised to have it clean when they moved out. So now we are not giving their security deposiot back..plain and simple!

That's all that basically has went on..sooo...I'm going to go..

Til Next Time Bloggerz..

chubbz

I think forgiveness is the best therapy. Sometimes, well, most of the time..I tell people that I forgive them. At which I really didn't.

See, when me and Charlie first moved in together,he cheated on me. With his ex. For a couple of months. He alway's told me that she was callin and bugging him. blah blah blah. Here to find out, he was calling this bitch, and going to her house. (when we would go up and visit family). As a matter of fact, the last time he was ever with that bitch, was the first time I ever took a pregnancy test, and when it came back negative, I had to deal with that shit by myself. See, she message me and told me. He confessed to going and "talking" to her. He said he didn't want to scare me away with his problem's (cause the boy really does have serious problems). So he got home from work, asked why I was messaging her and shit. Admitted it, then I told him, ME or HER. You choose. Either you continue talking to her or you stay with me. He pause, didn't say anything, I asked him if it was a hard decision. Told ME that I was being SELFISH. I was furious, and I was like ME??? So, he basically made his choice in my mind. So I packed my shit, went home (mommie's house). About five hour's later, got a phone call. He was crying saying that he missed me.. blah blah blah. Finally in the end, he apologized said I was right. Promised to never talk to her again. And I told him if anything like this happen's again, same bitch or different bitch we were done with forever. For a while I checked his phone. We didn't go to visit family. When we finally did, he didn't go anywhere alone. That weekend, I told him that I forgave him. But I never did. Not until Janraury, this shit happened back in August. But I alway's told him I did just to prevent arguements. We fought about it for so long, and it just got old. So now I'm ok with it, I think it was my way of getting paid back, for messing around with someone who was involved.

Today, I am fully healed of that, pain, anger, disappointment, and even though I knew it was wrong, I'm ok with it. Does that make me a horrible person? This has made us stronger, he seen what we were and what they were (him and is ex) and looked who married him. Even though she still can't get over him. She doesn't call him, instead she message's me, or post's blog's about me..I don't know..but I think I'm goin to get off here.

Til next time Bloggerz..
Chubbz

For many years, I struggled with my looks. I never thought I was pretty enough. I alway's saw my flaw's and up until yesterday, I never thought I was beautiful enough for anyone. Then yesterday, it just hit me, duh!..obvisously your pretty enough for someone, your with a hott guy who think's your prettiest girl in the world. It took a man to treasure my body and tell me how beautiful I was for almost 2 years, for me to realize this people. *sheesh* what's wrong with me?

My whole life, I've alway's had small boobs. Size A ok, I wear the "miracle bra". There I finally admit it. And up until the other day, I alway's wanted to get implant's. I'm serious people, I was gonna get a job, take a loan out, and get implant's. Now I realize that I don't need them. Charlie love's my breast's the way how they are. He doesn't think they are too small. And it's not about satisfying Charlie (cause he is absolutely against it) but I'm ok with myself. I'm no longer insecure with my body.

It has taken a LONG LONG LONG time before I would get fully naked in front of Charlie. And since we actually got married, I feel alot better about myself, and him seeing me in the buff. It's not like I've been fat or anything, you know, I've actually been really skinny. (which may be the reason for the small boobs) I've always had a high metabolism, and me and one of my friend's use to walk all the time. Well now, my metabolism is slowed down, I don't walk at ALL anymore. Plus, I'm a housewife, so I get bored..and eat, eat and eat somemore. Now I'm actually gaining weight. But, I'm putting it on fast. I mean, I got stretch marks everywhere!! But, I'm ok with it. Cause I know that I'm still as beautiful, as a matter of fact..more beautiful.

I guess it's more ok with me now, cause he is also gaining weight. But he still think's I'm beautiful. I guess, it's a boost of confidence, when a guy that love's you and care's about you, someone who you are married to tell you these thing's, instead of some man that say's that to get you in bed..you know what I mean???

So..I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, now that's a freakin breakthrough thank you very much. I think I'm blogging for tonight. And I feel much much better then earlier!

TilNextTimeBloggerz..

Chubbz