What define's happiness? Money? Popularity? Love? Does it have to be one or the other, or is the mixture of all 3 bundled up in one package? But then again, how do you know for certain that that package even exist's? Who do we have to go on. There are ton's of rich people out there, just busting at the seam's with unhappiness. Love.. love is something tricky. You can love someone with all your heart, make them your world, but none of that matter's if it's no recepricated right? You can give someone your life, but it's not really love until the other person give's you theres? What in life insure's happiness? Popularity? Barely people may like you to your face but hate you behind your back. In this world today who can you really trust? Spouse's killing eachother, infedility through the roof. The lieing, sneaking, covering up shit. I mean, how do we know what is truelly real and what's just plain out bullshit?
Many people yearn for money. Many people would do anything to have "class, power, and money". But money is the root of all evil, it's why couple's that don't have it fight about the bank account balance, and couple's that do have it, it's never enough. They alway's need more.. Money can buy you friend's, artificial one's. Money can buy you love but what they really don't tell you is that it's not love it's lust, it's not friendship it's a free ride. For all you rich folk's out there, think about this.. if you called your friend's tommorrow and told them you couldn't make it to the country club.. cause you can't afford to renew your membership or you need to cancel your "botox party". Do you think they would call you after that? Doubt it. But yet, everyone want's to be rich. They want all the money, but what they don't realize is the un-happiness that come's along with it.
What happened to just being happy? Is that too hard, to work a blue collared job, come home to your wife and kid's and just be happy with that? I want happiness, I want my hubby to work enough hour's so that we can live not "rich" but comfortable. I want to be able to save money, not worry about which bill I am going to have to get behind on. My husband has made over 35 thousand dollar's this year, and what do I have to show for it? Any money in the bank? Yeah.. 20 buck's. That's it. He make's enough money that we shouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck. And it's not all his fault. Just like everyone else, myself included he want's to give me the thing's that his dad couldn't give his mom when he was growing up. I want the fancy clothes that I couldn't afford in high school, which made me so "uncool". I want the fake nail's to match the fake tan, to go along with the fake smile that everything's okay. When in fact it's not. I'm miserable when we have money cause in 3 day's it's gone and I'm miserable when we don't. I know I shouldn't let money define my relationship, and maybe I sound like a gold-digger. But it does. Cause at the end of the day, when there isn't enough money to go around, then what?
Here lately I've been thinking alot about my future. And what it's going to be like, and who is going to be in. And I'm not sure if I see my husband there. He love's me with all his heart, but at the same time he's so careless with his money. And he's dragging me down with him. The last couple year's I've put a bill or two in my name. And I thought nothing about. I have a hospital bill only like $15 and other than that.. nothing really. Well I applied for a credit car, one under very little or no credit and I got denied. DENIED. How does that happen? Does that mean that I already have bad credit? Anyway's that's been on my mind, credit. The husband's credit suck's by the way. He couldn't even get approved for a computer from Dell. I mean that's how shitty it is. And he say's that I should get a job and help with thing's.. but he fucked his credit all up with the last girlfriend. Why should I have to help pay off their debt? And I keep saying that I want to save money, and start paying this stuff off. So what does he do, he get's a tv from RAC like $830 well we paid $450 down and now we over like $380. And that day he had to get a stand to hold it on.. he didn't go for the cheaper one like a hundred dollar one (it was on sale and it was really cute) no... he had to get the 200 one. Aint that a crock? And RAC has 30 day's same as cash, and we were suppose to do that, but here lately we haven't had the money to pay on any of it. So we have 20 in the bank cause he wanted to buy a 160 fouton... (We gave our furniture away-it was old and broken down) And now I'm thinking that he's slowing fucking up my credit, and not even trying to fix his, so what's the point? At some time in my life I would like to own my own home instead of living in a trailer forever... ya know? So he's just wasting our money and feel like were never going to get ahead.. and someday's I just feel like I'm wasting time being here, when I can be at college somewhere else building MY future instead of waiting on some man to do it for me.
I'm so lost and have been for quite sometime. I just lay up wondering if I was ever meant to be happy? Fully happy and fulfilled with my life and love my life and not have a doubt? I just want to be happy is that so much to ask for?
Lost and confused..
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