These last couple of day's I have been very testy with Charlie. I'm not quite sure what it is. I guess I know what I wan't out of a husband, and then I see what I get. So..maybe my expectation's are too high. I just don't know what it is. I love him, and even though I knew that he wasn't perfect, that's why I love him. But I guess, I just thought, that when we got married thing's would change. But suprise suprise they won't and probably will never change.

I just feel an fight brewing. I just wish that he would be more thoughtful. You know? Don't get me wrong he's a good husband, great provider, listener, I just wish he would be more thoughtful. Here are a couple of my complaint's and just let me know if they are reasonable (guy input would be great too!)

*We have completely different taste's in watching TV. He's more History, Discovery, learning channel's. Where I'm more reality, I like MTV, VH1..the only show's that we agree on is Reba and Still Standing. And the only channel we agree on is Comedy Central. Now sometime's I will sit there and watch his show's with him. Even though I don't like them, I do it, to spend time with him, while doing something he enjoy's. But when it come's down to me and my show's he leave's the room or ridicule's them the whole way through (which doesn't even make it worth it for him to be there). All I ask for is some mutual respect, and a compromise. I don't have to watch his boring ass show's with him. But I do, to "try" to take intrest and find more about it, and ask him question's. But he's too good for that. So..am I wrong?

*Movie taste's basically the same thing, we like different movie types, even though we do have some mutual movie's. But even if I think it's stupid and he like's it, then I give it a try. But he won't even sit through a movie with me. And I don't know why. And if it's something that he definately know's that he won't like, he won't watch it with me. Sometime's it make's me feel alone. I hear of everyone else's husband's watching movie's with their wive's that they don't like. I don't get it..am I being self-fish or is he?

*This thing has really been bugging me. The other day we got on the subject about tatoo's. I wan't to go and get my first one, and he want's to go and get another one. I asked him "why don't we get eachother's name's on us". He said "when you have my baby, then you and our kid's name will go on me". I don't get this. I replied "well were married doesn't that mean something??". So..I don't get it. Why do we have to wait. I mean..when I said I do, I did mean forever. So is it that he's unsure of us? Or am I once again wrong??

*This happened earlier, and this really pissed me off and I haven't talked to him since. I have an myspace account, and sometime's , (not as bad as it use to be) but I get messages from guy's, nasty shit. I tell Charlie, cause I feel the need to be completely honest. I don't wan't him to find out somewhere else. Or something like that. Before we got together, I had alot of guy friend's. But when we moved in together, I dropped all of them. I knew in the long run..it would just create problem's. (plus they just wanted in my pant's, so it didn't matter to them either). Well, earlier, I was on one of my friend's (girl) myspace page and there was a Korn song on there, and he said "is that a guy's page" and I was like "NO" "DO YOU WANT TO SEE" so I showed him the screen. And that really got to me..what the fuck..he doesn't trust me?!?! I have already told him that I have no need to get any attention from any other guy's. That he give's me more than enough. Soo...was I or am I wrong for being mad at him??

So..there are some question's, and trust me I am looking forward to your answers! All of your answer's!! They will be greatly appreciated. Um..I think that's it..Man I'm really gonna miss it here :( But I will be back..Promise..I can't live without yall!!

Til Next Time Bloggerz..

Ok, so here's the lowdown..first of all last weekend was lot's of fun! And I'm really glad that I gave it a chance. I think I may of met a really good friend. Then sunday we went to the local flea market together and had lunch together. It was great having someone else's company besides my husband's for a change :) So it worked out great. Yes it was the De lehoya (I think I spelled that wrong) and Mayflower (maybe) and the Mayflower guy won, which pissed me off. I wished the other guy would of won and would of kept the belt. Which really sucked major ass. But oh well..I can't do anything about it..LOL. This weekend, we are gonna have them over our house for a little cookout. Which will be good. And were going to back to flea market cause we seen some thing's that we like. LOL.

I won't be on, for a while. Cause, we get our computer through RAC (Rent-A-Center) and the husband called to see how much more we owe on it (we've been paying for it for like a year) and we had already paid like $ 1200.00 and we still owe $ 1500.00 for a $600.00 computer. Which really make's us mad. So were going to let our computer go back. And I'm gonna see if my grandparent's have an extra computer (cause they buy new one's all the time) and if not, then it will take a little bit longer, before I'm back on, cause then we have to say up some money to buy one. And I don't know what I'm going to do with out all of you fellow bloggers. But I promise as soon as I get my new computer then I'll be back on..giving updates.

I'm gonna miss you Angie..I might be on for a few more day's. But after this week then that's it. Soo...hopefully soon very soon I will get a new one. I will be calling my grandparent's tonight to see what they say. But other wise, I'm shit out of Luck for a while.

We are also sending our t.v. back, cause we can only imagine how much the brand new flat screen tv is gonna cost in the long run. And were gonna just buy a t.v. outright too, or put one on law way!! So. this is going to save us lot's of money in the long run and it guess it's worth it.

Well the hubby is home..so g2g

Til Next Time Bloggerz
Chubbz

So..Nothing really to new here. The husband used the smoker tonight and smoke some rib's. Man they were yummy!! And we made potatoes on the grill, which were also very good but we really didn't make enough. Which suck's.

So..Brutis is still not house trained, and he love's to remind me of this everyday.. today I found 4 pee spot's in my home. Yes people, not just one "accident" but 4!! By which one "accident" occured on my couch, that just so happened to be the spot that I decided to sit on, in my white shorts!! Needless to say, I was PISSED

Other than that, the day was ok. Relaxing for the most part. Tommorrow is going to be the "busy" day. We have to go to the bank so I can get put on the account!! YAY!!! GOOO MEEE! So I guess he finally trust's me with his paycheck's or shall I say (since were married) "our" paychecks! LOL. Then tommorrow night we got invited to some guy's house (of which I really don't know, but my husband work's with him) so we can watch Boxing!! YAY And so I can meet his wife, and all that good shit.

I hate meeting new people, that I don't meet on my own. Like now, my husband trying to be mr.friend maker. LOL. Who know's maybe me and this woman might really hit it off or something. I don't know. Tommorrow I'll let ya know what happen's.

Oh yea, started a new blog, this one is called "What about Men?" it's a blog basically asking men, question's about the stuff they do..and shit like that. You know what I mean. Um..so..if you should stop by and give it a whirl and lemme know what you think. With this new blog, I don't think that I really have any direction at all. So, we'll see.
Soo...hmm..I guess that's it.

Til Next Time BLoggerz.
Chubbz

These question's were presented to me, and I think that I feel the need to answer them. In my last post, I never said that I didn't love him. I know that I love him. Obviously that's why I've stayed or even came back. If that wasn't the case I would of cut my losses when this happened. But here are your answers:

1. LOVE-do you love each other? I love my husband with all my heart, I would and will do anything to make him happy. I never knew how much you could care about someone. He is my life, my world. And I know that he love's me. If he didn't love me, then he wouldn't of proposed. I knew from the first hello that he was gonna be mine.

2.Communication- DO you tell each other whats truly in your hearts? Yes we do. We share our goal's. The sucess's in life and the failure's. We had similar (kind of) child-hood's. So we can really relate to eachother. He know's what's truelly in my heart, and I know what's in his.

3.Trust- Do you trust each other and that kind of trust I mean do you trust your life in his hands and vice versa? Yes,I fully trust him with my life, and I'm pretty sure that he trust's me with his life. I do trust him, it's just hard to rebuild trust once it's been broken. I think were talkin about 2 completely different trust's. I know he trust's me 100% and I'm beginning to put more faith and trust in him. He has proven himself over and over again, basically it's my own insecuritie's.

So..I hope that answer's your question's. I have answered them to the best of my ability and I hope that I took the question's the right way. I love my husband with all my heart, and I wan't to spend forever with him, I guess I'm just very insecure with myself, and I'm afraid of losing him. He's such a great man, and has a really good heart. He will do anything for me, I know this. I mean he treat's me better than my own mom treated me. I love how he has confidence in me, and my decision's. I love how he tell's me that he misses me while he's at work. I love how he tell's me how beautiful I am when I'm feeling the shittiest, ugliest, fattest, etc..you know??

So..I think I might be done for the night.

Nighty Nite Bloggerz....

Chubbz..

PS> I wan't to start another blog, but I'm not sure what to do it on. Hmm...maybe a man hater club..LOL. JK JK I'm not sure what to start it on, so...if ya got any suggestion's I'd love to hear 'em!

I can remember this day like it was yesterday. It was the day that I found out that my husband (well he was my bf at the time) was cheating on me. I remember that I wasn't angry at all. Just hurt. I think in a way that I was too hurt to even think about anger. I was in shock, even though I kinda knew what was going on. I guess, I alway's knew, but I didn't confront it, I didn't wan't to actually admit it, cause we were good. We had a good relationship. I had a good life. And I guess I ignored these thought's for self-fish reason's. I never thought that he would do that to me. I alway's told myself, that he loved me. NOT HER, THAT HE WANT'S TO BE HERE. But the truth was, he didn't know where he wanted to be, or who he wanted to be with. And it was a really hard thing to grasp. I didn't wan't to think that I would lose him AGAIN for a SECOND time to the same bitch that made his life living hell. The same bitch, that threw shit at him, the same bitch that ruined his credit and took all of his money. The same bitc that had more control over him that I didn't think I could ever have. Yes..oh yes, the ex-girlfriend. I guess it's true, when they say, what goes around, come's around. He cheated on her with me, for almost a year, and finally broke up with her 2 to be with me. So I guess, I had it coming but. You just never believe that one person that you trust and give your heart and soul, and that one person, who's there for you, cause you have NOONE else, that there not really there for you. That in fact, you find out, that they are JUST LIKE everyone else. And it broke my heart. It did. I remember asking him about it, and him admitting it and feeling my eye's water up, but no tear's fell. I vowed that NO MAN SHALL NEVER MAKE ME CRY. Plus he made me cry once before (when we broke up the first time) and I said to myself, he's not worth it, if break's your heart a second time. So NO TEAR'S FELL. I asked him why. He said that he needed someone to talk to, that he didn't wan't to scare me away with his problem's and she was alway's there. He also said that he never kissed, there was no sex nothing like that (but like I believe that). And I told him, you need to chose, either me or her. Either you don't talk to her for the rest of your life, or I'm gone. He said that HE HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT. so..I was like, "okay, I got my answer". Got up, started packing my shit. He told ME that I was BEING SELF-FISH. ME??? HOW THE FUCK WAS I BEING SELF-FISH. So I said oh well. Left, wen't and stayed at my mom's. I called him later that night, and asked him, well..what's going with you. Endless hour's of talking, he apologized, said that he seen it more clearly, and admitted he was being the self-fish one. He wanted me to come back. I told him I wasn't sure, as to whether or not I wanted to come back. We talked somemore, told him this is his last time. He fuck's up this time, were done for good. She tried calling for a long time, finally she took the hint, and stopped calling. Now she just tries harrassing me on myspace.

To this day, I feel hurt betrayed, used..and lot's of other emotion's that I don't even know what they are. To this day, I still ask myself, did I make the right decision. This happened back in September, and I still don't trust him fully. I wan't to. I hate being like this, I know he has to hate me being like this (even though he doesn't complain, he know's better than to fight me on this). I just wish that this would of never happened. I use to trust him fully! On weekend's I would go and do my thing with my friend's and he would do his (or so I thought) and he ruined it for me. And that really suck's. I can't be away from him for more than 2-3 hour's before I start to worry. And go into panic attack's. I just wan't to be normal. I don't wan't this guilt of not doing this or that with my friend's cause my husband can't be trusted. I don't wan't him to live his life thinking every second..I better not do this or that, cause it might look suspicous. Am I wrong??

It break's my heart, that he trie's so hard to please me, but it just doesn't seem like it's enough (in the trusting dept). I have put so much time and energy and feeling's into him, I just don't know what to do. I call him daily 2-3 time's a day, to see what he's doing, when he'll be home, just to check up on him. And I don't wan't to. And it shouldn't be like this, but yet it is. I'm so drained with trying to figure out his every move, and what he's doing next.

This whole thing has ruined our live's. We never do anything anymore, or see anyone. Cause it just creates problem's. And I blame him, it's all his fault, but then I feel guilty for blaming him. It's like I'm fighting a battle that I know I'm going to lose but I just keep fighting...why?? Well..maybe I'm just retarded or something. I don't know.

I'm soo torn. Later or tommorrow. We'll first I'm going to go back and look and see if I posted the story, if not then I'll post the whole story. It might help me. But who know's. So my question for my reader's is: Should I be able to trust him by now?

Til Next Bloggerz...

Chubbz