I don't think that I can deal with this any longer. One minute were good the next, were at eachother's throat's. I honestly don't know what's going on with us anymore. I want to be happy. I want a good relationship. I just wish that thing's to go back like they use to. And yes I know I sound like a broken record. I know this. But else can I do? This is my life right here, everything that I have ever typed is true and nothing more, nothing less.

I don't understand why we keep fighting over the same thing's. I don't get it. We alway's make up, and I feel that we resolve thing's but the next day, same issue's, same arguement's.

Now I'm starting to wonder if he just say's what I want to hear, just to shut me up. It seem's as though, that I'm the one creating all the problem's though. I'm alway's bitching and complaining. I don't know why. It suck's I've just realized that I've become the "nagging wife". Oh dear help me! Help Me! I'm destroying my marriage. But not intentionally. I promise.

I have been so un-happy these last couple of month's. Thing's haven't been "fine" in a while, I just don't want to admit it, I guess. I'm so bored and lonely. I'm the type of person that thrive's on "randomness". I love being on the go. I hate just sitting here, with no life. Even though we alway's have people in and out I still feel so lonely. I don't know what to do.

I have thought about telling DH that we may need break. That I need "me time". To explore me, but I'm afraid of living without him at the same time. What if we do need a break, and he realize's that he doesn't need me anymore. What if I throw away my one and only chance at love?

I'm so confused. Earlier he asked me, "what do you want and expect from me?, what do you want out of marriage?" I didn't know what to say. I don't know what I want out of him. Cause once I decide then I change my mind.

Being married at 19 is hard. I barely know what I want out of myself and for myself, let alone out of a man. Do you think my marriage was doomed from the "I DO"?

Chubbz

So I got a new lap-top. Which make's me happier than ever. Finally I can get rid of my old computer. I guess it's true, you get what you pay for. If you pay a hundred dollar's for a computer then it's going to be a piece of shit. lol. But on a more happy note.

Thing's are changing in the household. The hubby landed a new job. One that he is very excited about. And I must admit that I am too. He will be getting a better pay with garunteed hour's. And this job give's him more responsibility but with less stress. In this company he has a chance to grow and do bigger and better thing's.

He start's in a week or two and he's stressing big time. He want's to do a good job, and is afraid of messing up, cause there are alot of people who have confidence in him. He's afraid of not catching on quick enough, and making people doubt their choice. But I know that he's going to blow everyone away, and wonder why they didn't offer this position to him sooner. I know that he's going to excel and put his heart and soul into it.

So I'm very excited about that. Thing's are certainly starting to look up. Our landlord also told us that she would sell this place to us, on a deal. So now all we gotta do is get the hubby's credit patched up. And we got a house trailor. lol

We have big plan's for this house trailor too. Were going to add on. Even put a second story up. So it will look like a house once fully completed. It's just going to take time. But someday.. I will have my dream house.

When we apply for our loan (to buy the house/trailor) we are going to try to get some extra money so we can start the additon and such. So bigger thing's are coming in our future.

Me and DH truelly feel that thing's are finally working out. And that were actually getting somewhere. Cause trust me for a while thing's were getting pretty bad. But now there getting better. We have actually stopped arguing as much as the usual. Which is really good.

I wish someone would of told me how much work the "marriage thing" would be...

~Chubbz

So I haven't posted anything in a couple of day's, due to the fact, that hubby got me sick. Yup.. that's what I call love. lol. So yeah, I've been feeling a little under the weather here lately. Even though I've been stopping by everyone's blog's. I just haven't posted. So here is my post...

So Abby had her babies. Aww.. that make's me so happy but so sad. If ya know what I mean. You know that one chic's baby shower that I was suppose to go to, well, she had her baby too. Her family called me. Said I should come down today and see the baby, but I'm sick. So I think I'm gonna have to hold off.

I really hope this whole pregnancy thing happen's for me.. SOON. I don't know how much longer I can wait. The doc said that everything looked fine and stuff.. then why is it not happening?

Well appearantly I'm not doing the deed on the "right day". And boy did she let me know it.. I completely don't understand that though, cause for a while.... long while... we did the "deed" everyday.

So I'll keep praying and hoping.. til the day when I pee on the stick and there's a smiley face.

Even though my husband doesn't know about this site, and my blogging, I'm sure he is going to be very upset the day that he find's out. He however, did know about my blogging on myspace, and let's just say he didn't like that a tad bit.

I guess he could never understand, why, I could type on the internet for million's too see, and read, stuff that I have had problem's telling him. He never could imagine, telling complete stranger's his problem's and just all about his life.

But I told him I had started blogging before me and him were ever an "item", and I wasn't giving it up for him. I even started blogstream before him. Well probably around the same time, but before we were ever serious.

The more I think about what he has said, about me being able to talk to stranger's and barely squeaking a word to him, well, it kinda baffle's me. After thinking about it long and hard. I have come to realize, that point blank, you guy's are stranger's..

I will never see any of you face to face, there's no room for embarrassment, there's no fear that my "secret's" could get out. Nothing like that. And I know that you guy's are going to "leave me" because of a way that I feel or how I react to thing's.

And before that was one of my biggest fear's. If I said something he didn't agree with or re-acted a way that he wasn't use to, then he would leave me. But over time, I have come to realize, that he accept's me for me. And he's not going anywhere. I have come to see, that were not alway's going to agree on everything, but that doesn't mean that he's out the door.

So slowly, I'm opening up to him. Maybe that's why were arguing more than usual. But I don't know. I'm still kind of hesitant about tell him about this blog, for the simple fact, that I know he's going to want to read my blog. And this is like a diary. Not something I really want him to read.

Is that wrong of me?

So thing's have been mad crazy, let me tell ya. I have been wanting to post about the pig roast, but have no time, right now. And trust me it's a loong story. So that will have to wait. This weekend, thing's should slow alot. So then I should be able to post more. Hmm.. despite being sleep deprived thing's are slowly getting better. Me and the hubby are finally arguing less. And working thing's out. Which is a good thing, cause last week, I swear I was at my breaking point. So once again we are not alone. What else is new. I have a ton of dishes to wash. (cause I don't have a dishwasher) Everyday I have to sweep and vaccumme and wash glass and everything else. Cause I love a clean house, I just don't remember it being this hard before. Maybe it's due to the fact that there are 2 extra people. The husband is looking for another job. Most of our arguing and stress is due to his current job. So this will do us really good, I think. Hmm.. I don't know what else to say. The dog's are back in their cage's. Okay I got a story to tell you:

Tuesday night, I lay down to go to sleep. It's about 10. I can't fall asleep, right before I do, I remember looking at the clock. It say's midnight. So I finally drift away into dream's of the night. To be woken up by my barking dog's. I reach over to calm the littliest down. To reach my hand in a pile of puke. So not only have I only been asleep for 3 hour's, and that I'm half asleep. I'm pissed. I wake the husband up, "hey honey we gotta change the sheet's there's a pile of puke in the bed". So he goes to get up, I put the dog's in the cage, on my way to the cage, I see an animal in my living room. I yell at the husband, "hey their something in the living room". I latch the dog's in their cage. I return to the bedroom to get my glasses. Come back out, and see that there's a dead squirrell in my living room. Where the cat killed it and carried it through a window and layed it on the floor. I mean seriously can my week get any worse?

That right there my folk's is just and mere example of how much hell these past 2 week's has been. I feel like sleeping for the next 2 more week's and hope that when I wake up again, I'll be having such an easier time with life in general.

So I'm going to get off here, and clean. *yay* Too bad can't see me right now, sitting here bursting with joy.. not!

Til Next Time Bloggerz
Chubbz