I haven't even been married for a year, and I thought about having affair's. (In my mind) With people that I know/knew. I almost kick myself in the ass now, for not having sex with them, back then. Back when I had the chance. I was so afraid back then. I was afraid of getting pregnant, or catching something. But mostly I was afraid that when I lost my virginity, that I would bleed everywhere, and make a huge ass mess. So I never had sex. Then I met my hubby and he made me feel so comfortable with my body, and losing my virginity, all those thought's faded away. I was smart though. I didn't want to be used, cause I was a virgin, and yes, I know that guy's will use to so they could be your first. So I made sure, that I had this guy in the palm of my hand. We were living together. In this same exact house right in the same bed. But I kind of regret it now. Cause now I think that well I know that, I can/will never have sex with anyone else. As much as I think that I want to. Deep down, I know that if I ever acted upon it, I would regret it dearly the next day. It just suck's that I gave that up. I feel guilty for having these thought's too. And sometime's I wonder if it's normal. So... I don't know. It's not that I'm bored in my marriage. Cause our sex is great. It's possibility the greatest sex I ever had.... lol. So I don't know.

I also wonder, what it would be like to be with a girl. Is this all normal? I have never been with a girl, but sometime's they turn me on. I'm so confused. :(

So I took a test today.. suprise suprise, it came back negative. I kind of figured that, but I would of liked it said positive. Each time this happen's, I tell myself not to get my hope's up, just in case. And I alway's end up getting my hope's up and thinking about it, knowing that I will be let down again (in the back of my mind). but I can't help it. All the happy thought's that come to mid when I think of being pregnant, and what that would mean for my future and everything. I swear it's getting harder and harder to take those test's. DH said he didn't even want to buy one, cause it's like bad luck for us. But I told him, it's better for us to find out now, then later on. Cause either way, were going to find out.

It just suck's. Tommorrow he start's his new job. This job, he's going to have longer hour's. Some night's he might even have to sleep in the back seat of his truck, cause he'll have to stay on location. Which really suck's. It's going to be hard, cause that mean's I will be alone for that much longer every week. But it will pay the bill's and give us all the extra's that we want. It will also give us lot's of extra money to pay off debt, so that maybe someday we will be able to buy a house. But we'll see what's in store.

Today I bought some PJ pant's. I swear I barely even buy jean's anymore. I really don't go anywhere.. so I don't see the need in wearing jean's and getting all dressed up everyday. I'm usually just sitting around the house anyway's... so what's the point? But I do shower daily, and here lately twice a day!

Well I'm gonna get off here for now...

I don't want the hubby to catch me tee hee.

til next time..
chubbz.

Ps... You people need to quite leaving and start reading my shit!

So saturday, I looked in the phonebook and found a used book store. Before I bought that OJ book, I forgot about how much I enjoy reading. And this reminded me. So I went to he book store and bought 4 book's. Right now I'm reading Lovely Bone's. And I must say it's really good. And it make's you think, about, heaven and such. And I just wonder what my friend is doing. I miss him so much. It's un-believable.

So I found a hobby. Reading. Yes, I know I sound like a dork and such. But I enjoy getting lost in the tale's. I mostly read stuff that's true life stuff. You know? I don't like the fantasy book's. I thought about reading those "romance novel's". But I wouldn't even know where to start.. lol.

So I really haven't posted that much here lately. I'm just trying to find myself. You know? Like this is self-discovery time. My relationship is getting better. The hubby has a couple of day's off before he goes back to work. So this give's us, some "alone" time.

Thing's are getting better.. slowly. I haven't got my period yet this month. So hopefully there's a bun in this oven.

Keep me in your prayer's.

Thank's
Til Next Time Bloggers

Chubbz

For the last month or so, I have been lost. I'd like to find my purpose of living. I'd like to learn what make's me the happiest. And what I can do to achieve ultimate happiness.

Growing up, I never felt that anything was good enough. And then I met my husband. And suddenly everything felt better. I was lusting for this man, and he wanted me. He wanted me more than anything in this world. I made him happy. Really happy. And for once I thought that "this is it, I feel so complete". But once again, I'm back here to the same place. I feel as though that something is missing. And who know's once I have a baby, then it will fill that void.

That's what I thought for a long time, a very long time. And I still feel that it will bring me joy and happiness and that it will bond me and my husband even closer. But then I ask myself, "am I emotionally ready?" And I want the answer to be YES YES YES!! But I question myself. And I find that more and more lately, I have been questioning myself. And then I ask myself, if this is normal.

I'm so lost and lonely. I don't know what to do. Is this the life that I'm suppose to live? I don't know the answer to that question. And I don't know how to find out the answer. Like I said before, over and over.. I'm simply LOST, trying to find my way in this world.

Peace..
Chubbz

Where do we go when we die? I have been thinking about this alot lately. And this morning I found out that someone that I graduated with and someone that I use to party with, had passed away. A car accident. I don't know what the detail's are just yet. But he's gone. He was a friend.

And now I'm thinking more and more what happened to him.. his soul. And I'm afriad. And I feel selfish cause all I can think is that "that could of been my husband". He was such a great person.

And I'm going to miss him. Even though we weren't really close. But close enough to miss him. DH said something about going to the wake. I'm scared shitless.. I've never seen a dead body before... I don't know what to expect or anyhthing.

He was 19. He had so much living to do. So much to look forward too. I can only imagine what his g/f is going through, he was on his way back from seeing her. I can't even think about his mom and dad. And brother's. He was so kind and would anyone who needed it.

He was too young to die.