This weekend, no this past month or so has been so stressful. My DH decided that him and a friend/co-worker want's to throw a "pig roast". And I knew it was going to be a headache all along. But then again, what do I know?! So they made flyiers which caused a big "thing". At which I don't want to get into right now. But then it came time to collect money. (from all the worker's) Turn's out some people wanted their money back cause they couldn't make it. Then it came down to getting all the material's... which led the wive's to run around from store to store trying to find the shit that they needed, at which they didn't have any specific's. And just when I thought it could get any worse, we picked up the catering. Seventy five buck's for 3 tray's of salad's (potato, and some other kind's). Which by the way wasn't no where near worth it. And then DH and the friend traveled to Ohio to get firework's... un-neccessary firework's. So friday night we didn't get home til like eleven. Then had to get up at eight to start preparing for this thing. I was soo cranky and tired. It's not even funny. So finally around midnight I got home. To discover that his brother, his brother's wife and 2 kid's along with my other niece were going to stay at my house too.. at which no one ever even checked to see if it was okay. But appearantly I'm just an open hotel, come check in randomly and don't pay.. cause were all FAMILY. At first the plan was for everyone to stay at a hotel. But I guess that mean's our house. The whole "event" was frustrating let me tell you. But I'm tired as hell right now, so I won't get into any specific's.. I should be heading off to bed, cause I got a doctor's appointment tommorrow.

Yes I finally scheduled that appointment to go to the gyno. I'm nervous as hell. Scared, and petrified. I used a guy doctor. Figure that I'd try him out this time. And see if I like him. Okay that just totally sounded creepy. I don't know what to expect. And I hope that my husband stay's in the car, and doesn't try to go in the room with me. Cause that would definately be even wierder. So yea..

I keep saying that I'm going to start reading the driver's manual but I haven't opened it yet. I read the OJ book in less than 2 day's (over 200 page's) and yet I can't even open the driver's manual. But I wan't to get enthaused. But I'm just not. I don't care whether or not I drive but then again that will help. And then I could get a job. So I don't know.

Hmm, what else is on my mind?? I don't really know right now. I think that's about it for right now. So I'm gonna get off here, tommorrow sometime when I actually get a chance, if I actually get a chance I'll give you all the detail's about the "pig roast". But right now I don't have the time nor the energy..

Til Next Time Bloggerz..
Chubbz

Thing's use to be so good. And honestly I don't know what happened. I used to be so happy with my life, and the prospect's of where it was going. I use to want to sleep in and stay up late. I use to love this life. And now, it's a drag, I wake up and lay in bed, not wanting to get out of it, for the fact, that I already know what's going to happen. I wake up just as tired as when I layed down to go to sleep. Cause I can't sleep, cause I'm thinking. Constantly thinking, about this or that. And during the day, that's all I do is think about, anything and everything. I feel so alone. Someday's it doesn't even feel like I'm married. I feel single. Alone, just me. And I don't know how else to describe it. More and more each day, I begin to hate my life. More and more. I don't hate my husband. I love my husband. And I'm still in soo much love as the day when we met. Don't get it twisted. This has nothing to do with him. It's all me. And I guess that's what suck's the most. For once in my life, this is about ME, completely ME and I have no one to pin or blame it on, but myself.

I use to wake up everyday, take a shower.. do my makeup, get dressed up. And then clean. Now I'm lucky if I clean. (I do shower everyday). But I mainly wear stretchy short's and a tee, no make up, nothing in the hair. I figure what's the point? I don't go anywhere.. I don't see anyone (that I would be interested in seeing). It suck's cause it remind's me of my mom. And I don't want to be like my mom. For various reason's, but that's not important now.

I feel huge, even though technically I"m not "huge". But I'm getting bigger. Bigger than I'm use to. And I feel so unattractive anymore. I hate going anywhere.. but on the other hand, I hate sitting at home.

I no longer know who I am, or what I have become, and that's horrible. My whole life, I was alway's so sure. I was sure as to what I would put up with and what I wouldn't. I was sure where I would be in what time frame. I was sure, where I would be and who I would be with. I'm a walking contradiction. Of my life, personality, look's everything.

If I really think about it, I'm a hippocrite of myself, and that's no way to live life. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so torn, and confused and lost and so many other thing's that I don't even know. That's possibly the worst part, half the shit that I am, what I am not, what I'm feeling, I don't even know, I just know that it's there.

I don't know what to do, who to turn to,
I just want life to be easy,
worry free,
fun,
happy,
AGAIN..
is that too much to ask?

~Chubbz

So I lied. We actually had a pretty good weekend. Sure I was upset. But I kinda tried to push that aside (in my mind) and enjoy myself. Let's see, the hubby brought home some boy, (one of his worker's). Turn's out he didn't have a place to stay this weekend.. blah blah blah, so he ended up staying with us. Just for the weekend. And I stressed that point completely to him and the hubby. So today was kinda a relief with it just being me.

Um..friday.. since I knew that I wasn't pregger's. I drank. I had the hubby pick me up some captian and coke. And I must admit, I haven't drank in a long time and that was funn!

Saturday, the hubby went to look for a pig. For the pig roast that were having. And he stumbled on a store. Like a Sam's Club, but you don't have to be a "club member". So he was pretty excited about that. The hubby also got paid that day, and we had some extra cash. So I went and got a couple of shirt's and such. He did as well. I love to shopp!

Sunday, we went out to lunch. It was good. It's was fantastic that me and the hubby actually went out on a date. It felt good. We actually had "conversation" with anyone being their.. well you know what I mean.

So the weekend was good. I'm buying a tredmill. So I will get more fit and healthy. I also told the husband that we were going to start eating more healthy stuff too. Which is good.

Hmm..what else...? I can't really think of anything right now...

It kinda suck's that me and the hubby NEVER get any alone time, unless were in the bed sleeping. You know I love lounging around the house in a tee and pantie's. And unfortunately I couldn't, I can't do that. Due to the fact that we alway's have someone over for a reason or another and my insecuritie's wont allow me to do that when someone else is here. So that really upset's me. I have talked to the hubby over and over again..but nothing change's and honestly I don't know what else to do. Should I personally start kicking everyone else out?

Anywhoo... Imma get off here...
Chubbz