So my brother's came down to visit me, and stay at my house for a while. Which put's a smile on my face. See when my mom married her current husband, my brother's remained living with their dad, so I didn't really get to see them as much as I would of liked to, due to the fact that we live in 2 different state's and school vacation's were a couple day's off. So that sucked majorly. But I'm glad now that I get time all to myself with them. Tommorrow me and the husband are going to buy them a set of bunkbed's, and a dresser so they feel like home. We have a room or will have a room set up for them. Usually it's the husband's room (which mean's it's full of shit I don't wan't to see) LOL. But it's a guy's room. So I'm kind of happy.

My last post, I can't believed that I typed it. But I feel so much better, to finally get it off of my chest, you know? I never admitted that before, and it's like I released a secret. It's good that I talked about it. I know that deep down, I would never be able to leave him, I love him so much. Sometime's it 's just hard, but I'm sure most of you understand that.

I'm a little ticked at my mom though. She want's my brother's to come and stay with her, but their a little reluctant due to my mom's living condition's. For reason's unknown to me, when my mom's lease was up for her house. Her and her husband decided to buy a camper and park it in his mom's driveway and live in it "temporarily". I don't understand it. Why would you wan't to live in your mother-in-law's drive way? I don't get it. And my brother's don't wan't to sit in a little camper all day with nothing to do seriously?!?! I just don't understand some people..you know?

I don't know if any of you believe in or experience deja vu, but it seem's here lately I've been having lot's of them. I'm not sure why. It's wierd and really starting to creep me out. I'm also thinking about going and seeing a head doctor. I think I have OCD with the thought of my getting murdered. I have nightmares every night, and every time I'm thinking, I think of how the "murderer" is going to get me and how I will "try" to escape at the location that I'm at. It scare's the hell out of me. I don't know what to do. I think it may be one of my greatest fear's. I don't know, it's late, I'm up alone, and I don't wan't to really type about it anymore...

Well I think that I may be done rambling now..So I think I may get off here crawl into bed and snuggle up next to the hubby...

nighty nite bloggers..
Chubbz

I have never told anyone this before, because..well I'm kind of ashamed, I guess. Some day's I really regret my marriage, and it really upset's me when I think that I could be out doing so much more than just being a "housewife". When I think like this I feel so much anger and resentment toward's the hubby. Like he trapped me, like it was his fault. Some day's I don't want to talk to him or even look at him cause somehow I hold him accountable for the action's that I chose to take. Somehow I feel that he cornered or tricked me into this. Even though I know in way's he didn't trick me or corner me. But then I blame myself..like I tricked myself.

These last couple of day's I have been so confused, trying to find myself. My purpose. I have been so depressed. And most day's I feel like telling the hubby that we need to see couple's counselor. But I don't know.

His purposal was an argument (how romantic huh?). Well before we actually decided that we were going to get married, we discussed. You know, didn't make a decision. Then one day, he said that we should get married. And I have been..a commitmentphobe. He is my longest relationship so far. I mean before (in the past) I would date someone, and just as the serious talk started I broke up with them, or did something to make them break up with me. So this was a big step. I was only 18 I was worried. (I'm still only 18). And he's almost 30. He's lived his life, had his fun. But, I haven't. Well we got into a big argument. So I agreed. With doubt's in the back of my mind. And the doubt's still haven't left my head.

I don't know. But then there are days (most..majority. When I cherish my husband and the decision that I made. And I look into his eye's and I know that in the end I made the right decision. Like in the end I knew we were gonna end up here anyway's, so he just saved me from making unneccesary mistake's. You know??

I don't know I'm done thinking about it now..I'll be on later, to add more thought's about it.

Chubbz

I am so glad to have my emotion outlet back! These last couple of day's hasn't been so great, okay maybe I lied it's this past month. I feel extremely lonely. Cause I have no one. Hubby goes to work, come's home, take's a shower, does his paperwork, eat's dinner and then goes to bed. It really suck's cause now he has no time for me. He's worked every single day in the past month (including Saturday's and Sunday's). I don't drive nor do we have a car yet, so I can't go anywhere. I know a couple of people in the neighborhood, but I don't wan't to intrude on their busy live's. So I sit in a house with 3 dog's and a cat all day long, 7 day's a week. It suck's cause almost all of my friend's are single (live 2 hour's away), are on college break and are partying. So they don't have time for me. I haven't seen my friend's in month's. All I had was the husband and now it seem's as though I don't even have him anymore. I use to talk to my mom on the phone, but her being the dumb-ass that she is she decided to move in a camper (different story different day) so I haven't talked to her all week. Now I'm not a momma's girl at all, but she's the only person that was ever available to talk and I must tell you, I rather be talking to her then 3 dogs.

I just don't know what to do. Some day's I feel as though I'm ready to tell my hubbby that our marriage need's a break. Cause it's killing me inside. I just wish that he could understand. But he doesn't he has people to talk to at work. Even though he say's that they are just "co-workers", I assure him that I know that they don't only talk about work. But that's not the point. I'm so bored, I'm gettin depressed.

Maybe the married life just isn't for me?!? (Too late now) I'm not saying that I don't love my husband, cause I do with all my heart. But I think I may just need time to breath. I need some me time. Not watch the dog's, not sit at home by myself, clean the house...blah blah blah. I need actual me time. No dog's to worry about, nothing.

Last night he started an arguement with me.. about getting a job. And taking "some of the slack off of him". People what you don't understand, even if I did get a job, then it wouldn't lessen his hour's one bit. In his field of work they have to get this done by this amount of time. So I'm confused as to how this will "take some slack off of him". Hm..make's no sense. Then I asked him, "well..are you going to take me to put in application's, make sure your home in time to take me to work and are you going to be awake, to pick me up" He told me to use public transportation. Now that would be so bad if there were buses, but it's like taxis for the poor people. I told him that I'm waiting (cause I do plan on getting a job to meet new people) til we get a car, and I can drive. All because I needed some summer clothes.

Do you know what he had the nerve to say about my summer clothes. (I am very sensitive to my weight, I'm not fat, but I went from a size3 to a sie 10 in one year) He told me to start walking and excersizing so I can fit into my old summer clothes. I ventured on to tell him that i had 3 skirt's that was it for last summer, and 2 of them fit me still, (their cloth)but I need more than 3 skirt's for the whole summer. And he was like you go through so much clothes. You don't need a closet full of clothes. I was like IM A GIRL I LIKE TO GO SHOPPING AND BE IN STYLE (even if no one see's my clothes) So not only was he calling me fat, but he also insinuated that I like to waste his money.

Then he was like "well I'm gonna go buy a dirt bike, if I had the money it would be a 8 thousand dollar bike" and I was like, "yea I'm the one wasting money, my wardrobe wouldn't even add to that in 2 year's" he said "you'd be amazed what you spend". So I don't know...

I'm still really mad about this, and it doesn't help with me feeling so lonely either. Basically he made me feel like a piece of shit, like the house isn't clean enough, he said "I could do so much more", I waste all of his money, and I'm a gold-digger who is lazy. So I don't know. I maybe the first one in my class to get divorced...who know's. Well gotta let the dog's out.

Chubbz

I'm back!! Finally! *sheesh* It took long enough huh? So did everyone miss me? I got lot's of reading to do and lot's of typing!! LOL. I missed everyone dearly, and I missed the fact, that I could just type all of my emotion's down. I can't wait to get all caught up!! Soo...I'm gonna be stopping by everyone's blog's in the next couple of day's. And typing alot tooo!!

Gotta tell ya it's good to be back!!

Chubbz