Man, I have got to post on here more often, but it seems as though every one is gone..Blogstream is different...You know?

My sister had her baby...A little girl LilyAna..OMG she's the cutest baby EVER! She was born on Febraury 17th...7 lb's 6 oz 20". She's the best...Even though we live in 2 different states I love being an Auntie when I visit. My sister in law just had her little boy on Friday...He was a little over 8 lb's and he's the cutest chunkiest little baby ever. My best friend found out last wednesday that she's having a little boy. With all these babies around me, it goes to show what I'm really missing/wanting. Honestly it's like a kick in the nut's every time someone find's out there pregnant...! But that's life...EVERYTHING in my life was never achieved easily...so why should this be any different?

Married life is good...we moved out of our shitty 2 bdrm trailer into a big beautiful 3 bdrm apartment! I love it, we had to re-home our dogs for the time being but this is just fine for right now. It's funny that when I think about it, it seems as though nothing has changed, but after posting on here, I realize not alot of things are the same...Hmm...

My grandfather passed away on April first. This was probably one of the hardest thing's I've experienced. I miss him everyday, not a day doesn't go by that I don't think about it...and everything involved in it. Now I'm going through it all over again...

Ever since I've been with my hubby his mom has been sick...Cancer is like hereditary for his family. Well she's been battling cancer for the past 4 year's now, and it's finally gotten the best of her...Right now she's bed-ridden with no cure. It's so sad she hasn't eaten in a couple of days and barely drank, she can't talk...were all just sitting next to her waiting for her pass...Everyone is at peace with it, she needs to free at last of this nasty disease. My hubby is the youngest boy and is really close to him mommy & I know this is killing him...There's nothing I can do, I don't know the words to say in this type of situation except... sorry... and that's not doing much....

So right now thing's are hard, but we are making it through this slowly but surely....the main thing is that we are sticking together...well I gotta go....just wanted to update/fill in!

It has seriously been forever! Wow! Lot's have changed..It's now 2010! A new year for new beginnings. I am still married..(shocking!) We are still living in the free trailer. (idk if I told you or not) My younger brother still lives with me. The other one went back to the city, but plan's to move back here after he graduates (this summer). Hmm..what else..so much is different. My best friend is now living in MI with her family & is slowly turning her life around. I barely get to see her now. But I know that's where she need's to be to get her shit together for right now. She came down for the New Year & we went out..like old times. I now realize how much I really do miss her.

I am trying to work on my marriage. Thing's aren't worse but they aren't the best right now..honestly I can't understand..comprehend how my marriage got like this? At what point did we go from being in so much love to this? To "trying" to get what we had. I do love him but you know what I mean the "honeymoon" stage.

I am looking into going back to school for nursing. Yes I said I wanted to go for childcare before, but nursing pay's so much better & plus I wanna be a neo-natal (I think, the baby nurse) nurse. I just want a good paying job so I can have a secure future.

I have also decided that I want to get implants. I have always hated my small little a cup boob's..I want d cup's. So right now I am doing ALOT of research on implants. I have to wait til I'm 22 to get them done (for silicone) so hopefully in September I will be the proud owner of D cups! I cant wait I'm excited.

Still no baby..I feel when the time is right it will happen. Right now I'm just living life being 21! I've been going out & taking advantage of being "legal" lol.

Oooh yeah..at the end of February I will be an aunt! My sister is pregger's. I am excited for her but feel at the same time that she has threw her life away. Her and her babydaddy don't even get along. They fight and break up every other day..idk her relationship isn't healthy and neither one of them work. I am happy but worried for her at the same time. I dont think she realizes what it means to have a baby, in a couple of month's she will find out though. No this is not coming from a place of jealously what so ever, she's 20 year's old still living at home..has never worked a day in her life, I dont know, I hate knowing that she's burdening everyone around her to support her own mistake (they were trying to get pregnant?!?!?) But at the end of the day I wish her and my niece the best. I know she's going to prove us all wrong!

Well I'm definitely going to post here more often. I have being meaning to do it..just been lazy! I still read blogs here though it seem's everyone has gone MIA!

I dont know where my life is going. I don't know where it should be right now. I dont know if I made the right choices..

Right now my life is all up in the air. I dont know what to do with it. I want to go back to school but I dont know what for anymore.. how do you know what your meant to do?

My marriage is slowly falling apart. Piece by piece I am destroying it. I dont know why. I am constantly angry.. nothing seeems to ever make me happy anymore... he doesnt seem to make me happy anymore... every step he takes every breath he makes drives me crazy. And I know it shouldnt be that way but yet it is. Every single fucking day. I'm lost confused... I dont know what I want anymore... marriage ruins everything! What people dont tell you is that when you get married everything changes. I wish I go back 2 year's and some odd months and never say I DO... instead say... were still together isnt that enough? What happens to the butterfly's? What happens to him always complimenting you? What happens to the "good times"? Why did all of this just "disappear"? Am I suddenly not that good looking anymore? Is my relationship no longer exciting?

I'm so lost in myself. I feel so alone. My "best friend" has moved in with her boyfriend's parent's.. or so I hear and I havent heard from in about a month. So yeah I'm pretty much alone. Cuz I have no other friends... my mom is so fucking jealous of me she twists any problem's that I may have....so Yeah no one... all alone....

I'm suppose to have this "good life", but where is this "good life" at? Why cant I be happy? Why cant we get along better.. like we use to...? Really.... what has changed? Besides the fact that I have his last name now?

-xoxo-
Lost.

Wow..it's been forever since I blogged.

Heres what's been goin down..

Right now we are still struggling to stay up on our bills. We really dont want to get behind. So we've had to borrow money a couple of times. Which really sucks, but its better than getting our utilities shut off. But things are getting better. The hubby's work is picking up majorly. So next payday we will be all caught up and after that we shouldn't get behind again.

The hubbys gma has passed away. That happened a month ago... (not sure if I blogged about it or not?) We went to Michigan to go to her funeral. That was hard for everyone. Just last year she was at our house...fine && well.

The boys wanted to move back to the city, but has changed their minds again. So they will be staying here. Which I am pretty happy about, this way I wont have to stay in here all alone this summer since the hubby is always working! Today the oldest of the 2 boys got suspended for fighting. I am not mad, cause he was just sticking up for himself. So I'm actually proud of him. He will be out of school until next friday! Yay.. another set of hands to help clean!

That Swine Flu is crazy. My mom is all crazy about it, watching CNN and all that other stuff. Shes worried that one of us will catch it. I'm not too worried about it, but since I just said that I will probably get it... haha.. *knocks on wood*

I have to go to the dentist cause my teeth look gross. I'm not even sure why they are like this. I just noticed this this week. I brush my teeth everyday. But I also eat alot of sugar and drink alot of soda. So I'm thinking thats what happened to them. Hopefully they are repairable. It's been hell today trying to get a list of dentist's that my insurance covers. I still havent got the list yet, I'm going to try tommorrow.

My puppy got her period last week. She's been wearing diapers since then. And my male dog is going crazy!! He keeps wining and it's really annoying. He keeps trying to hump the 2 dog's... hopefully we can get him and my puppy fixed within the next month or so...

I think that's it for right now. I'm gonna hop off here & start dinner, its taco night!! mmmhmmm I love tacos!!

Hmm...

Not too much has changed the same 'ol same 'ol. The hubby was sick thsi week, so I had to baby him all week, haha. You know how men get all whiny & stuff. The bestie left her fiance, and he's pretty much flippin out every chance he get's. Umm... last weekend I went out to the club, I had a blast!! I'm suppose to go out tommorrow too!

Other than that nothing really hasn't changed, still struggling to stay ahead of the game, the hubby never got his bonus like we thought he would, so that kinda threw us off. We have enough money, it's just adjusting to spending ALOT more money on rent, and making the neccesary cutbacks on all the extra shit that we spend our money on.

Ummm..that's about it.

So I'm gonna hop off here and go to bed.. boy am I exhausted..

nighty nite ya'll...